Tuesday, December 31, 2013


What a year 2013 has been, such a monumental period in my life! I've had so many wonderful moments within this year, definitely a year for the books. I have this app called Timehop and it shows you previous posts on social sites, well the end of 2012 I posted on Facebook that I hope 2013 will bring me happiness.... and oh my! My hopes did come true ;) I never thought I would be where I am at today emotionally, spiritually, and physically and it only took my a year to get here! I've been able to overcome big and small trials within 2013 and I am seriously so proud of all my accomplishments. Although it's been a hard year at times, I am so thankful for everything it has taught me and what has been brought into my life. I won't fill this post with everything the has happened within this year but I'll mention the highlights that impacted my life in the greatest of ways. 

-At the beginning of the year I decided to become 100% sober, I was getting completely nothing from partaking in mind altering substances... I was just damaging my life and the important relationships I had. It was such a hard decision for me at that time and it can sometimes still be hard for me, but that decision really was the spark of my change. 

-I was extremely unhappy with my life and I was nowhere near the direction I wanted to be heading, so I decided to let the Gospel back into my life. I knew going done this path wouldn't harm me and if I didn't like it, I'd just choose a different path. I started to pray every night and attended my singles ward, it was basically new to me since I stopped being fully active back when I was 12. Progressively I started to do more and more things involving the Gospel with a lot of people's help of course. Getting the Gospel back into my life is seriously THE BEST DECISION I'VE EVER MADE!!! I am not even joking. Seriously. Best. 

-I met Ariel, he was someone I really needed at this point in my life. He was a returned missionary, someone who could help me learn more about the church plus he was really handsome. ;) 

-Liam's first birthday. It was not a day I dreaded like I thought it was going to be, I felt uplifted and loved. It was a such an amazing day and I will cherish every moment and feeling I felt on that day. 

-I got engaged and married within 2013, obviously it was an amazing year for me! Love being married to Ariel, LOVE IT! Being able to work towards our goals as a team is amazing. I can not wait for the upcoming years with him, as my husband! 

-I finally started taking being healthy and fit seriously, thanks to my husband. I never felt this good about myself and it's only the beginning! And seeing muscles on myself is great, I love flexing any chance I get. *get swole* 

2013 was such a life changing year for me and it had molded me into the women I am today. I recognize myself as a daughter of God, and I cherish that title now. I am healthy in mind, body, and spirit because of the steps I've taken to achieve that within this year. I have been able to overcome the deepest part of my grief and I now able to openly speak about my sweet Liam. I am a wife to an amazing man, who has helped me achieve many of these great changes within this year! 

Sunday, December 29, 2013


I always questioned- Why me? Why did Liam have to leave when I was being so selfless? Asking these questions, lead me to my knees to pray for guidance. After many prayers I felt that having Liam pass was for a better good, it was a blessing in disguise. I don't know the true reason behind why he left this Earth before knowing it, but I have my own beliefs and I can only continue to believe those to help me move forward. I may not have been able to share a lifetime with him because of this, however I have the knowledge that I am now able to enjoy entirety with his glorified being. I know he was never touched by sin, sorrow, greed, or all the other worldly pains. As a mother that's a wonderful feeling, knowing your baby left without knowing the evils of this world. Many people may say that having your baby with you here on Earth is a far greater feeling than this, but I can't change the outcome of what happened to Liam so instead of dwelling on the "what ifs" I am looking at this situation with positive light. I do not want to be stuck in a place of bitterness and aching pain, so I am letting my faith fill me with the knowledge of knowing I will be with Liam again.  
Liam past away a year and a half ago and yet it can still feel surreal at times. I am still moving forward from his loss but I am no longer grief stricken, I can finally breathe again! I use to not be able to say his name without crying or feel pain day to day but now I light up when I say his name or talk about him. My heart still aches for him and it always will, but it's now more bearable. I still have my days where his loss hits me hard and I can't function normally, but those days are rare because I am not deep in grief anymore. I am not forgetting him by moving forward, because I will never forget my sweet Liam, I am pushing beyond the pain and seeing the love and growth I am experiencing by Liam passing. 
I don't know where the next years will take me with my grief, I just know that if I am willing to keep pushing forward, keep in mind where Liam is now, and know my Heavenly Father is always leading a hand, I can continue to grow and learn from this. 

I will never stop keeping your memory alive, and that's the one time that will never change.

Monday, December 23, 2013


I woke up the next morning hoping the events that played out the night before were not real and Liam was still alive...the realism of my situation hit me hard when Liam continued to be still in my womb and that I would never feel him move again. The worst part of this is I couldn't take off the issue like a dirty shirt or walk away from it, my sweet baby's lifeless body was inside me. I wanted to just get away from the ache and the fear but I couldn't because it was with me, attached to me. Let me tell you, walking around for two days with a dead body inside you, is very traumatizing and heart breaking. 
I dragged myself out of bed to head over see my OB and to figure out what would happen next. As I settled on the table my OB measured my stomach length wise to see if my measurements were where they should be... I was measuring 24 cm when I should be measuring 26 cm. My OB figured something went wrong around 24 week gestation and that's why I was measuring two weeks behind of what I should be measuring. (That's the week I also started to feel something wasn't right) I would be able to know what really happened after Liam was born and the placenta was tested on. I was scheduled to came back to my OB's office later that night to get Laminaria (seaweed) strips place into my cervix to start contractions so I am able to give birth. I was scheduled to be induced on March 17, 2012 at the Riverton Intermountain hospital. 
My mother and I went to Target to get some blankets to wrap Liam in once he was born, that was such a hard shopping trip for me. I knew Liam would be swimming in those blankets because how small he would be, also that he would be so still and silent wrapped within them. We also got home spa masks so I could get my mind of what was about to happen by having a girls night and granny panties for me because after birth isn't fun and can be messy, let's be serious. 

As we got back to the office later that night the OB that was going to be delivering Liam, since my OB was going to be out of town, placed the Laminaria in my cervix. I was already 1 cm dilated, my body already started the process to get rid of Liam's lifeless body, so giving birth the next morning was going to be a lot easier the OB said. (HA like that made me feel any better.. her bedside manner sucked) I was proscribed percocets to help dull the pain once the contractions started and I seriously could not wait to pop those suckers because I did not want to feel physical pain on top of my excruciating emotional pain. I wanted to just feel numb from it all.

We went home and my best friend Carra came over to have the spa girls night with me, we painted our nails, put of face masks, and watched my one of my favorite movie Means Girls. It was one of the kindest acts of friendship I've ever received, just having someone there to keep my mind off of the terrifying unknown that's about to come. Some of my Young Women leaders (seriously they're great) came to see me, I just hugged them and cried. I explained what happened and what's about to happen or more like the little I knew about what was going to happen the next morning. After they left, a couple from my home ward came and saw me because they also lost their first born. They were so comforting and helpful letting me know it does get better with time and to keep Heavenly Father close... the advice they gave me was just what I needed but at that time I didn't believe them. I went back down stairs to start packing my hospital bag and get Liam's belonging together. As I was putting Liam's shirt I made him, the booties/hat my mom made him, and the blankets we got him together I just lost it. I just couldn't hold it in, it was becoming way more real to me with each passing minute and I was terrified. Carra comforted me in the best way she could while I sat and just cried into my hands. 

I laid in bed trying to think of the back aches I was getting from the worsening contractions and the constant racing of my heart, so I wouldn't focus of the fear and grief I was feeling. My mind was filled with so many questions and concerns, what was I going to do, why me, what did I do to deserve this, what will Liam look like, how will I give birth?... I cuddled up to the Build-A-Bear I made for Liam and waited for the escape of sleep to take me.

to be continued....

Tuesday, December 17, 2013


As my mom and I got to my OB office, the long wait to actually see my OB begun. I still hadn't felt Liam move, so going into the ultrasound room would give me answers as to why. My name was called 20 minutes after I arrived and I was ushered to the back room to lay on the table while the cold jell was rubbed on my bear swollen stomach. I felt a strange stillness once I laid down on the table, I just couldn't figure out why I felt it. The ultra tech started to rub the transducer probe (the wand thingy) on my stomach, so I looked up to the monitor to see my little man. Usually you can see the heart beats to the bottom right of the picture of your baby but I didn't see the beat, I didn't think too much of it at that time – just that it was weird. The tech was quiet during the scan and after two minutes of moving the wand around my stomach she said "I'll be right back" and that's when I started to seriously panic – that's not what you want to hear while getting an ultrasound. My mom joked that she probably had to go to the bathroom and couldn't hold it; I pretended to joke with my mom while I was screaming on the inside. I watched every minute tick by waiting for her to come back from her "bathroom break", after 10 agonizing minutes she comes back into the room with a Dr. I did not recognize. They huddled around the ultrasound machine and started to talk quietly and in medical terms. (EXCUSE ME?! You're talking about my baby without me being able to hear or understand!) I wanted to scream at them to tell me what's going on and how is my baby... but I kept my cool and waited patiently until they told me the news. The Dr. sat down next to me and said "Your baby is healthy and growing properly... beside his heart, he has congestive heart failure." I just looked at him dumbly waiting for him to explain to me what that means for my baby and if he's still with me. He told me Liam's heart had failed and was no longer beating. My heart dropped, sank, shattered. I didn't know how to handle it or could wrap my brain around this: Liam wasn't alive anymore? But I just felt him move yesterday... this has to be a mistake! I asked how this could of happened, was it anything I did or didn't do? The answer I received was- Liam's heart failure wasn't my fault or caused by anything I did/didn't do, it's a defect that can happen and it happened to my precious little baby. I couldn't really cry when I heard this news, I just was in shock and it felt surreal. The Dr. gave my mother and I time to take in the news alone. My mom called my dad and told him and my dad left work early to be there for me. I started to just "fake" cry, I guess you could call it, because the real tears wouldn't come because it didn't feel real to me but I knew it would soon. As we walked out of the ultrasound room the tech that was in the room with us hugged me and give her condolences. I just walked to the front door in a haze, as I passed all the pregnant women with heathy babies in their wombs I started to cry and hurried out of the clinic. I called Victor as we were driving home and told him I had something to tell him so my mom and I were going to pick him up, we drove in silence to my house. I rushed Victor to my room once we reached my house, I sat him down on my bed and started to really bawl... it finally hit me that my sweet sweet Liam was dead. I told him Liams' heart stopped, that our baby isn't alive anymore. We laid on my bed crying until my parents came in and told us they did a little more research on CHF. It's a defect that puts too much pressure on the heart so the heart has a hard time pumping oxygen through the body; Liam's little heart wasn't strong enough to pump blood throughout his body, so it failed his little growing body. If he did make it to birth he would of had to go in heart surgery and maybe many after that to try to fix this defect.

I didn't even want to look at myself in mirror because I didn't want to see my bump, Liam wasn't in there... only his lifeless body. I felt dumbstruck because I didn't even think anything could happen after the first trimester since that's when you get out of "miscarriage" phase of your pregnancy. I heard stories of babies passing after they were born or born dead, but that happens to different people, people I didn't know... not me, not my precious Liam! I didn't know much about birth since my birthing class wasn't scheduled for another 2 weeks. My son's dead body was inside me, I was terrified because I didn't know how stillborn babies were actually born. 
The next day I had a regular OB appointment so my OB could give me more information about my baby and what's going to happen next.
As I went to bed, I wasn't jabbed or kicked constantly like I normal was at night because Liam was dead. That night was the first night of many tear filled nights. 

To be continue....

Sunday, December 15, 2013


I decided to write about the events leading up to finding out that Liam's heart stopped, so the 2ND PART OF III won't be confusing. (Please feel free to ask any clarifying questions if you have any!) 

ANATOMY SCAN: At 19 weeks I had my anatomy scan, (5 months – also where I found out my baby was a boy!!!) they made sure baby was growing heathy and properly, but Liam wasn't facing forward so it was difficult to see Liams' heart/lip. I was schedule for a follow up scan when I would be 26 weeks (almost 7 months) so my OB could properly get a better view of the front side of Liam. (if he would be cooperative this time ;)

REGULAR OB VISIT: At my 22 week (6 months) check up, my OB looked at my ultrasound pictures for the previous scan and said Liam was healthy and growing properly! He didn't see any concerns but would still want to have the follow up scan to see the front side of Liam. I was so relieved because I so worried something was wrong, a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. 

Around 24 weeks (6 months) Liam wasn't moving as much as he usually did, and I felt totally off about it. (A mother's instinct is real & crazy!) I voiced my concerns to my mom and she said babies have off days and when they're growing they can be less active, so I pushed my uneasy feeling to the side. (I was 24 weeks when I felt something was off, which was two weeks before I found out Liam's heart stopped.)

I was trying to get Liam to move before I went to bed by playing some music, usually that gets him to wiggle around but that night it was difficult to get him to move. I pushed him around to see if that'd help but he was not having it and was barely moving. I gave up and went to bed. As I lay there drifting off to sleep, he gave me a huge kick and then went still. (Of course he'd kick me while I was about to sleep, waking me up. Ha typical!) 

I awoke in a hurry to get ready for school, not paying attention to small details that where happening around me or in me. Gym was my first period so I wasn't focusing on Liam's movements since I was focusing on not dying as I was on the treadmill. That day everyone started really noticing my baby bump, I had people touch my now very noticeable bump and just saying how cute it was. As I got to my second period of the day, I finally settled down and focused on Liam. I started to notice that Liam wasn't moving or hadn't moved all morning, I started to worry. Usually he would be kicking up a storm while my loud obnoxious teacher was talking, but not today.  
I told my mom I hadn't felt him move ALL day and she said it's typical but I told her even on his rest days he'd move a little and today there was nothing, I was freaking out on the inside. I had my follow up scan that evening, I was so excited to see my little man and if there was anything wrong I'd find out then, so I was little more at ease.  

To be continued.... 

Bride & Groom

I have so much love for this man!
Here is a little piece of the vows I wrote to Ariel- We didn't meet by chance, I know we were brought together by our Heavenly Father because we needed each other. You were brought into my life to test me, to build me, to teach me, to protect me, and to love me. You've taught and shown me so much and I am looking forward to continue to learn from you. I feel no doubt about us, I know we will make it through. You will always be my go to and my remedy when I am feeling unstable.
You're my earthly Heaven, Ariel. Te amo. 
- Your Mrs. Alfaro 

Wednesday, December 11, 2013


There are 3 major options when it comes to pregnancy: parenting, adoption, or abortion. The last option was completely ruled out for me, due to my beliefs. I decided if I ever got pregnant at a young age while still under my parents' care, I'd choose adoption, so parenting was ruled out as well. As hard as the decision was to choose, I knew adoption was right after many heartfelt prayers. Here are the two main reasons why adoption was best for my situation:
- Unhealthy relationship with the father. 
We never had a well balanced relationship and it wasn't the healthiest, we were constantly on and off. I didn't want my child raised in a home where he was moved back and forth from moms' house to dads' house. I also did not want to move in together just because we were going to have a baby together, I did not want my child raise around parents that did not truly love each other and were constantly arguing: that's not a household I wanted my child to grow up in. I wanted my child to be raised with two parents who loved each other, who were married, I wanted my baby to be shown how to love someone properly – by example. 
-My parents would be Liam's financial support. 
I nor Victor had jobs, both seniors in high school, I didn't have my drivers license, he did not have his own car, and we both fully dependent on our parents. I didn't want to put the responsibility on my parents for taking care of my child, I thought it was unfair and selfish. They both had their lives, jobs, and other children to take care of. Victor's mother was in a very hard spot and I did not want her to have the responsibility of helping taking care of a grand-baby when she had two other small children to take care of. I wanted to be the one fully there for my child and I couldn't do that at this time in my life. I was fully ready to be a mother but not a parent. I knew that it wasn't my time to take on the responsibility of being a parent so I felt adoption was the best option for myself and my sweet baby.

 So my journey begun with finding the right parents to raise my child, which was very shortly lived. I knew who I'd choose, Kimberley + Charles (my second cousin on my mom's side & her husband). I found out they were looking to expand their family the summer before I got pregnant and I just felt like they'd be the ones I'd want to parent my baby... of course if I even did get pregnant (strange that I had those thoughts at that time, but I did)! I started to go to counseling through LDS Family Services and had a wonderful counselor, Shannon. She told me about a website www.itsaboutlove.org that had other birth mothers' stories (SO HELPFUL) and adoptive families profiles. I looked up K + C and found their profile and fell in love with them! (Last time I saw K was when I was younger so I didn't know them that well) We contacted their case worker to let them know I wanted them to be the adoptive parents for my baby and just to see if they didn't have another birth mother looking into them. (They didn't at the time, yay me!) I called Kimberley on New Years Day, letting her know I am gifting them with a new family member in mid June! (perfect way to start the New Year, right?!) I felt so happy to tell her this news, because I knew she was going to be a wonderful mother to Liam (I can't even begin to imagine the feeling of getting that type of call, she seemed like she was floating on cloud 9 after I spilled the beans). I told K I wanted a very open adoption and asked if I could pick out the baby's name and or help with picking the name, make clothes/blankets/room decor, and visit when able to/send letters/Skype. She was so caring and understood my feelings and my wants and was so willing to accommodate them. They lived in Florida and I in Utah, so there would be a large distance between us but I knew these were the right parents and I never had a single doubt. K and I added each other on Facebook and started to get to know each other. I loved hearing about their daily lives and how loving C was to their already two beautiful children. Hearing how excited Liam's soon-to-be older brother and sister were for a new sibling, made me even excited for them/him! My baby would of have two loving siblings - so exciting! 
This right here is the beautiful family that would be not only my son's family but mine too. They've been through so much with the adoption process and I was heart broken for them, that I was unable to give them that so wanted baby they were hoping for; about 6 months after Liam past, K + C were able to extend their family once again! A selfless mother placed Elijah into their family, forever! I can not express how truly happy I am for them, to know they finally have the family they've always wanted. They will always have such a special place in my heart and I know Liam and I have a special place in their hearts too.

Going through the adoption process I never knew how selfless I'd learn to be, the true meaning of being a mother, or how caring I'd become, it's an life altering experience and it molded me into a very humble loving person. Adoption is a beautiful option.  

Thursday, December 5, 2013


As every story of pregnancy begins with those two parallel pink lines – mine did too. 
I didn't let myself think "I am pregnant" when my monthly visit from Aunt Flow didn't come when it should of, I just figured it would come. After being 2 weeks late I decided I should probably take a pregnancy test just to be safe. I was shocked as I saw the two lines form on the pee stick instantly... I am going to be a teenage mother! Finishing up my high school days with a big round belly was something I did not plan on happening, I hardly knew anything about babies or pregnancy! The taste of fear filled my mouth and I wanted to throw up...how was I going to tell my parents, how was I going to provided for this baby, how was I going to be a mother? After a few more tests with the same results, I decided to tell my parents; I sent my mom the long "I am sorry to be a disappointment" text while she was at church. I was positive she knew why I sent that text but she was going to make me tell her, and I was dreading it. I knew my parents wouldn't do anything dramatic but still I was terrified to tell them. As my parents came home, walking through the door, they called down the stairs asking for me to come up to their room. That's when my stomach dropped, I grabbed the pregnancy test and slowly made my way up the stairs to what I thought would by my death. I sat down and gave my mother the positive pregnancy test, she just looked at me waiting for me to say the words the test meant... I cried as I said sorry and told them I was pregnant. They were disappointed in my actions but not me, they were going to be supportive through the decisions I made and the 9 months and beyond – just like I knew they would. 

To be continued...