Monday, December 23, 2013


I woke up the next morning hoping the events that played out the night before were not real and Liam was still alive...the realism of my situation hit me hard when Liam continued to be still in my womb and that I would never feel him move again. The worst part of this is I couldn't take off the issue like a dirty shirt or walk away from it, my sweet baby's lifeless body was inside me. I wanted to just get away from the ache and the fear but I couldn't because it was with me, attached to me. Let me tell you, walking around for two days with a dead body inside you, is very traumatizing and heart breaking. 
I dragged myself out of bed to head over see my OB and to figure out what would happen next. As I settled on the table my OB measured my stomach length wise to see if my measurements were where they should be... I was measuring 24 cm when I should be measuring 26 cm. My OB figured something went wrong around 24 week gestation and that's why I was measuring two weeks behind of what I should be measuring. (That's the week I also started to feel something wasn't right) I would be able to know what really happened after Liam was born and the placenta was tested on. I was scheduled to came back to my OB's office later that night to get Laminaria (seaweed) strips place into my cervix to start contractions so I am able to give birth. I was scheduled to be induced on March 17, 2012 at the Riverton Intermountain hospital. 
My mother and I went to Target to get some blankets to wrap Liam in once he was born, that was such a hard shopping trip for me. I knew Liam would be swimming in those blankets because how small he would be, also that he would be so still and silent wrapped within them. We also got home spa masks so I could get my mind of what was about to happen by having a girls night and granny panties for me because after birth isn't fun and can be messy, let's be serious. 

As we got back to the office later that night the OB that was going to be delivering Liam, since my OB was going to be out of town, placed the Laminaria in my cervix. I was already 1 cm dilated, my body already started the process to get rid of Liam's lifeless body, so giving birth the next morning was going to be a lot easier the OB said. (HA like that made me feel any better.. her bedside manner sucked) I was proscribed percocets to help dull the pain once the contractions started and I seriously could not wait to pop those suckers because I did not want to feel physical pain on top of my excruciating emotional pain. I wanted to just feel numb from it all.

We went home and my best friend Carra came over to have the spa girls night with me, we painted our nails, put of face masks, and watched my one of my favorite movie Means Girls. It was one of the kindest acts of friendship I've ever received, just having someone there to keep my mind off of the terrifying unknown that's about to come. Some of my Young Women leaders (seriously they're great) came to see me, I just hugged them and cried. I explained what happened and what's about to happen or more like the little I knew about what was going to happen the next morning. After they left, a couple from my home ward came and saw me because they also lost their first born. They were so comforting and helpful letting me know it does get better with time and to keep Heavenly Father close... the advice they gave me was just what I needed but at that time I didn't believe them. I went back down stairs to start packing my hospital bag and get Liam's belonging together. As I was putting Liam's shirt I made him, the booties/hat my mom made him, and the blankets we got him together I just lost it. I just couldn't hold it in, it was becoming way more real to me with each passing minute and I was terrified. Carra comforted me in the best way she could while I sat and just cried into my hands. 

I laid in bed trying to think of the back aches I was getting from the worsening contractions and the constant racing of my heart, so I wouldn't focus of the fear and grief I was feeling. My mind was filled with so many questions and concerns, what was I going to do, why me, what did I do to deserve this, what will Liam look like, how will I give birth?... I cuddled up to the Build-A-Bear I made for Liam and waited for the escape of sleep to take me.

to be continued....

1 comment:

  1. oh my gosh. I'm so sorry for your loss. words can't even being to describe how my heart aches for you. I know you have come so far, but reading this just makes me want to give you a hug.


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