Monday, March 17, 2014

Happy 2nd Birthday, Precious Liam

From this day in March, it's been two whole years since I said hello and goodbye for the first and last time to my son here on Earth — what a bitter sweet day it is. This little precious boy, who I've never official met, who used to kick and wiggle in my womb for 6 ½ short months has impacted me more than anyone in my life has. How strange is it to learn from and love someone you've never even met and still learn from and love them once they've left this Earth? I know my son's passing was a blessing in disguise and it helped mold me into the person I am proud to be today. 

As I sit down to write about it being Liam's 2nd birthday, I am filled with peace and comfort. I know he's in a painless place now and that helps me get through these hard days. He never felt greed, envy, and sorrow from this world; he left only feeling love and that comforts me. These 2 years have speed by very fast and I sometimes can't believe it's been that long and also that short of time, but I know I am nowhere were I was 2 years ago. I felt alone in my grief and that no one could understand what I was going through, so I sheltered myself and my feelings. This, caused me to go into depression and I was at my lowest point. I was always looking for someone to comfort me and be the one the help me get through this heart breaking loss, but what I didn't realize is that I had someone there for me the whole bloody time... my loving Heavenly Father — who died for me and knows all of my sorrows and weaknesses. After I realized this, I turned to him for comfort and to lift me up when I couldn't do it myself. From that point on: I was able to see that losing my son wasn't the end, I was able to live a happy full life, and I was finally able to feel my Father's love for me as he guided me through these past two years. Now every day isn't hard, I don't dread waking up facing another day without my sweet babe; now it's rare to have a dreadful day because I've accepted my son's death. I still grieve for him greatly and there isn't a day where I won't think of Liam because I love him and because I love him I will not stop grieving him — he will always be my little piece of Heaven.

The love I have for Liam, is like no other... I hold him in all of my heart, safely protected. I grieve for all the little things I have and will miss(ed) out on that he should be experiencing here on Earth, but I know I will be able to live with him again and be able to enjoy his glorified self for eternity! I know, he feels my motherly love and that I am so thankful for... even though he is not physically here with me that he can still feel my everlasting love for him. 
I would now like to share a poem that someone from my parent's ward gave to me in a booklet full of poems about the loss of a child, but this one in particular has stood out to me and has been an anchor for me. Every time I read these words, it helps me stay strong for my Liam, so I am able to go Home to him. The last part is what brings me to tears and reading these words has truly helped me over come my deepest grief....

"Wearing a crown
 already worn in the
 heights of heaven, 
he came to his mother's womb,
 surrounded by his works
 of celestial glory.

Too tender and holy
for this life's plodding privilege,
he breathed his mother's
sweet breath in silence
before returning home again.
But he is not an unknown soul;
unto glorious spirits he came,
unto more glorious parents returning.

He leaves behind for us 
a glimpse of eternal peace
of family links unbroken.
We await another time and place
to see, to feel, to know again
our precious son.

Assisting from the other side,
His voice will whisper
From time to time,
"Father, Mother,
Dear family, don't forget;
for me, please come home."

I will be writing about how his 2nd birthday went later on this week and what I did to celebrate his life. 
p.s. still am in a total rut with blogging, surprised I had it in me to write this all out, but I am glad I did... won't be blogging for some time, though.