Wednesday, December 2, 2015

Bi the Way...

These 3 small words can have so much weight to them and to finally open up and say these words openly and publicly, feels so relieving… I am Bisexual. 

"Bisexuality is an orientation, not a fad or a passing phase; treat it with respect" - Elizabeth Manning   

It has taken me some time to figure out what to say and how to say it because it isn’t easy to say, but I feel like it is something I need and want to talk about. I want to talk about my personal experience, issues revolving around my sexual identity, and my faith. There is a lot to address with this topic and I don’t plan on talking about it all in one post because each topic deserves it’s own post, and right now I just want to be open.

What does this mean? Bisexual activist Robyn Ochs described it perfectly “I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”

I decided to be open about my sexuality because I needed it for myself. I wanted and needed to express myself openly and fully, and talking about my sexuality is something that is important to me because it is a part of who I am. Another reason is because I have thought, prayed, and felt prompted to be open about being Bisexual. I have gotten a lot of anxiety thinking about being closeted and it has caused me a lot of grief and just the thought of being open is burden lifting! I am sure many of you are asking why am deciding to come out when I am married to a man and I am LDS, but let me just say those two factors doesn't change my sexuality. The gender of my partner doesn't change my sexuality; I am Bisexual no matter if I am in a relationship with a boy, girl, non-binary person, or I am single. My faith doesn't change my sexuality, either. In fact, it is one of the reasons I want to be open because Bisexual Mormons do exist, they are real and I am one of them! 

"Bisexuality is misunderstood by both the gay and straight community—and is even less understood in the Christian community where sexuality is often limited to binary straight/gay and male/female."

I want to be able to help those in both communities, the Christian/LDS and LGBTQ community to come to better understand bisexuality and that it is possible to be a part of both communities (Christian and LGBTQ). There is a lot of problematic views, stereotypes, biphobia around Bisexuality and I want to help educate and break those stereotypes and by doing so, I felt it would be helpful by coming out. The first person I told was Ariel, after we were married, and he was supportive and did his best to be understanding of me. I was finally able to be who I was meant to be and I was able to be open to my significant other! And having him be there for me and not think any less of me, was such a blessing. He truly has been so supportive during this transition of accepting who I am and I am forever grateful for him. My family, has also, been supportive and accepting of who I am and I am thankful for them and their understanding. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and accepts me for who I am, for He is the one that created me. I know that I am not any less worthy of His love just because of my sexuality, and I am thankful for knowing this. 

There is a lot more I want to talk about, and I will, but for now I just wanted to be open and briefly express myself because this is something I needed to do for my own well-being.

 Please, let me know if you have any questions for me (email: and know that I am here for those who are coming to accept themselves, I know how hard it can be.

 “I hope as a body of Christ we can dedicate our lives to reaching out, serving, welcoming, and providing resources for all people, especially those that are the most vulnerable among us. This is the hallmark of a true disciple of Jesus Christ.“ - Anonymous 

Tuesday, February 3, 2015


Zion Joaquin Alfaro | 01-27-15 | 6:06pm | 6lbs 12oz 20"

From the beginning of my pregnancy I've prayed to have a fast, smooth, peaceful, and calm unmedicated birth — and my prayers were answered (minus the calm part ;)). I have always wanted a water birth since I was younger and luckily IMC hospital, the closest hospital to us, was doing a water birth study, so I was able to have one!!! This post will be jumbled but I wanted to actually blog about it even though I've put blogging to the side. 

On Tuesday, January 27th I woke up at 2:00am and just felt off, totally different, and full of energy so I didn't sleep much that night. Since I was up and feeling different, I prayed and asked for peace and patience while I waited for the arrival of my son. I occupied my time watching makeup tutorials on YouTube, watching Parenthood (totally hooked now), and eating cereal. Also during this time I went to the bathroom and found I had my "bloody show", so I knew something was going to happen soon! I finally was able to sleep again around 5:30am but got woken up by Ariel getting ready for work around 7:00am, so I moved to the bedroom to get more rest (I had been sleeping on the couch lately because the firmness helped with my hip pain). I then woke up around 9:30am because I felt back contractions and so I decided to time them. They were coming every 5 minutes or so and lasting for about 30–45 seconds. I just laid in bed relaxing while I timed them and about an hour later I decided to call my mom to see if I should have Ariel come home just in case it was the real deal. She told me to get up and move around to see if they continued to be regular or intensify, they certainly did! I tidied up the house, painted my toenails, and watched an episode of Parenthood while I waited for the contractions to get closer together. Around 12:00pm I decided to have Ariel come home since my back contractions were coming every 5–3 minutes and they were getting more intense. I hopped in the shower to relax during contractions and get ready for the day (the hot water felt so nice on my lower back)! Once Ariel got home we started to pack the last minute hospital bag stuff (I hardly used any of the things I packed, the hype of hospital bags is so not needed, btw) and getting everything ready to go if I was truly in labor. Once we got all ready, we decided to go get some food and go on a walk to see if that would help increase my contractions. I wanted something light to eat so if I did throw up during labor it wouldn't be to so bad and so my first trip to the bathroom after labor wouldn't be too bad either. ;) We were deciding to go to Zupas but passed La Fontera and I so wanted some Mexican food, so we ate there instead. I totally ate beans, rice, and a big Chimaconga while in labor — I am a champ! ;) I was contracting pretty frequently during lunch so I wanted to leave early and go home to rest for a bit, so we decided to skip the walk. 

As I got home, I went to the bathroom and I was bleeding more heavily, I was concerned so I called the Midwife on call to see if I should worry. I explained to her how I was feeling and how close/long my contractions were and she just had me come in so she could check my cervix; if I wasn't processing I could just be sent home without having to go to Triage. Before we left for the hospital Ariel gave me such a sweet blessing, one I will always cherish, I am so thankful for having a husband that hold the Priesthood. So Ariel and I went to the hospital at 4:00pm and went to see Lindsay, the midwife on call. She checked my cervix and was like, "yup you're not leaving, you're 5cm dilated, 100% effaced, with a bulging water bag". 
So she walked us down to L&D and I was admitted around 4:30–4:45pm. I felt good and my contractions weren't too unbearable, I just had to stop talking/walking while I had one. I totally thought I had labor in the bag! As I got to my room, my tub for my water birth was being filled and I changed into more comfy clothes. Once I got into my room, my contractions seemed to be getting way more intense and I was totally being snappy/bossy to Ariel while I was having one, I seriously had an alter-ego during labor — during contractions I was a bossy brat and in between them I was happy and talkative. Lindsay was an AMAZING Midwife and was with me the whole time and helped with counter pressure and helping me stay calm. I went to the restroom and as I was about to sit down on the toilet, I had a contraction and felt a strong urge to push so I forgot about using the restroom and asked to have a cervical check. My bags were so bulging and baby's head was RIGHT there, so I could of pushed then but the tub wasn't ready so I waited it out. Let me tell you, resisting the urge to push was so uncomfortable and that's when I started to lose control of my contractions and let them take over. I was moaning so loud during this time, having strong contractions and having the urge to push was so intense, I was totally embarrassed on how I was acting during labor. The tub was finally ready so Lindsay broke my water and I was in that tub in a heart beat! I was on my knees facing Ariel as he held my hands and Lindsay was behind me, making sure baby was doing okay. As a contraction came I pushed and I just lost it! I was being a TOTAL drama queen just making so much noise (it was helpful to be vocal though) and saying how I couldn't do this. ;) In between contractions I just relaxed in the warm water and it felt amazing, so calming and soothing... until another contraction came. I was really doubting myself during contractions so Lindsay told me to reach down and feel Zion's head; his head was right there and it felt so squishy and soft, such a weird feeling! I pushed some more after I gained some motivation feeling his head and I finally felt the "ring of fire" and I was just crying and moaning loudly because it hurt like hell but Ariel and Lindsay helped me through it. I probably pushed for 5 minutes, time seems to be nonexistent during labor, and Zion was born about an hour and a half after I was admitted to the hospital! I was able to reach down and pull him up to my chest, all by myself, and it was such an amazing feeling (I FREAKING DID IT, I BIRTHED A BABY WITHOUT MEDICINE! I was really proud of myself because I thought I couldn't do it when I was in transition and I wanted to give up but I didn't and well couldn't)! I looked down at my little baby and he was so little (6lbs 12oz) and didn't look like I imagined but I was in love with this little being. I looked up at Ariel and he was crying (later he told me it was because it was so hard for him to see me in pain and unable to help), but we were both so in awe of this perfect person. Zion let out little whimpers and they were so cute, he came into the world peacefully and without screaming bloody murder. 

Ariel cut the umbilical cord, after it was done pulsing, and Zion was then weighed and measured while I got out of the (very) bloody tub to birth the placenta. I tore in 3 places (I seriously only thought someone could only tear around their perineum but nope) so I had to get stitched up and get Pitocin to help harden my uterus because I was bleeding more than they'd like to see.

Ariel held Zion while I was being cleaned up and it was lovely seeing Ariel hold the little person we created and seeing how much he loved him. I know, so cliche but what they say about loving the man you love more once you see them love the child you created together, is so true. I was then able to hold my sweet baby and attempt to breastfeed and it was pure heaven and I cannot thank Heavenly Father enough for allowing us to raise this sweet spirit. Zion Joaquin, mommy and daddy love you!

I'll be writing about what happened to Zion and how he ended up in the NICU later, so stay tuned!

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

October 15th: National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

I wasn't planning on writing a blog post about today being National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day because I just seem to never be able to get my feelings down lately. . . but I finally decided to write a small post about today. 

When my sweet Liam passed away I wanted to pass away with him, but I had to choose to live. I now live a life full of hope, promise, courage, and inspiration – I am grateful for these gifts I've gained from working through grief. And I will continue to grow by living fully and seeing the beauty in the world. 

I know Heavenly Father has a greater plan for my little Liam so I am at peace with his passing. I feel as though his passing was to help me in many ways, which it has, because I have allowed it to. Through the struggles and pain, I have gained strength and have grown greatly. I also know he's in loving arms awaiting my eternal arrival when that time comes. 

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, tonight at 7pm light a candle for an hour to remember those sweet babies who have passed on before us. 

This day and everyday I remember and honor my sweet Liam. 

Monday, September 22, 2014

A Sweet Name!

{zīen} { hwah-KEEN} 

Zion: "Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty, God hath shined" Pslam 50:2

Joaquin: God will establish 

Being able to actually call him by name and using his name in prayer – just feels right. We've always loved the name Zion and this little boy seems to fit the name. We wanted a more Hispanic middle name and that wasn't the typical Hispanic male name; when my sister-in-law asked what his name would be Ariel just said "Zion Joaquin" and it just seemed to fit even without much thought. Naming your child and calling them by name creates an even great bond and I am so happy we have a name picked out so we can now call him by name and not just "baby". Also, having him have a name just makes me even more excited to officially meet this son of mine! 

Monday, July 28, 2014

Over Coming Hard Things

I want to talk about my struggle with drugs for you to understand that it could happen to anyone and that it is possible to over come. I am wanting to be vague on the type of drugs I took because that part isn't important, the important part is that I was able to over come such struggles. 

For me, it started with only once in awhile, which turned into a monthly occurrence, that changed to multiple times within a month, then became a weekly happening, and finally it ended up being apart of my daily routine. The thing with narcotics is, no one starts off being dependent on them; that need creeps up on you and you seem to always tell yourself "I don't have a problem, I don't need them... I can stop at anytime" and once you start justifying yourself... it's already too late.  

I've been 100% clean and sober from any mind altering substances for 16 whole months, and I have never felt more healthier mentally, physically, and emotionally. This journey to get where I am today wasn't an easy one and it has had many obstacles along the way but it was and still is so worth it. I was able to break away from the grasp of harmful substances but the reality is, I will never "get over" this eternal craving; I just learn to live with it. I was able to rebuild myself again but I can still have the urge to get that fix again and that will never go away. The thing with narcotics they take over your life, mentally and physically, and you have to battle your own body and mind to over come such a strong hold. 

I was so naive about drugs when I first started to "experiment" with them, the first drug I took I thought it was a "weed pill" when actually, it was ecstasy (MDMA). After my first encounter I didn't want to stop there, so I dove in deep. The next couple of years I was very damaging to myself because of the substances I would take, I would always tell myself I would only try something once and that'd be it but that was never the case for me. I always wanted more and I got what I wanted. My high school days lacked going to class, family events, true happiness, and true friendship but instead was filled with drugs, alcohol, fake friends, forgetting the nights before, throwing up, and sneaking around. As I look back, there was nothing glamorous about going to class so high that I had to run to the bathroom because I had throw up. It wasn't cool to be so wasted that I couldn't get home and causing my family worry because their daughter didn't show up until the next morning. I didn't have fun when I would dose off while out to dinner with the family because I was too doped up to even look alive for a conversation. It wasn't thrilling waking up not having a clue what happened the night before and wake up with your own throw up. My life was a temporary one, temporary friends with temporary happiness- something that wasn't worth living for. Also the thing with drugs, they don't only damage your life but they also damage your loved one's lives, and my loved ones where greatly affected. I was doing illegal drugs as a minor so there was a lot of lying going on and sneaking around and that caused me to be defensive and distant. I was more focused on the high than being kind or close to my family members. When I was at my lowest point I would even steal from them, money but also proscription drugs because I needed a high and a good high didn't come free or a high wasn't reachable unless proscribed by a Doctor. I caused my family heart ache and worry over a temporary high and that is not worth seeing your family suffer from your own expense. 

I lived like this for a couple of years- living a temporary life. For a short period of time I went up to stay with my grandparents so I didn't have access to some of the drugs I was taking. When I came back to the States I told myself not again, that I can't go down that path again but the cravings of that high over powered my self-control and I relapsed again... and again. I was back right where I started and I let this go on for 8 long months, living a miserable life. At the beginning of 2013 while I was away at college I just had nothing going for me, I just focused on getting high and that isn't a life to live... so I thought to myself what could it hurt trying to get help? I certainly wouldn't lose anything important, so that year I decide to get help and start living a life worth living for. 

The first months of getting clean were very hard and I again allowed myself to relapse. I was having a hard time because I still had ties to old friends who weren't supportive of me getting clean, so I cut ties. I changed my phone number, stopped following people on social media who would talk about partying and drugs, stop listening to certain music that brought back memories, I eliminated everything from my life that reminded me of my "high days". I begged and pleaded with Heavenly Father to rid me of this burden, because at time it was unbearable. I wouldn't be able to even function normally because I wasn't high, it was once apart of my daily life and not having it was hard on me. It took time to stop thinking about it daily and always wishing, I wish I was high for this. Through out all the pain and struggle, it was a battle worth fighting for. I look back on who I was and see a great improvement, I am back to being the real me.

At about 4 months in with being clean I thought I was doing well with over coming this struggle until one summer day when my family was having a BBQ, something I thought I had forgotten came back and clouded my mind. My father was making some orange chicken and some of the marinade fall on the grill causing it to have an awful smell. Right when I smelled it, that burnt mustard smell I gagged. The marinade smelt just like burning Heroin, it filled my nostrils and I felt like I was high again. I rushed inside so I could get away from the smell and I was shocked how it effected me so strongly, I was deviated. A smell still had control over me, just smelling something that smelt like Heroin made me crave it so strongly. 

Thankfully, I was finally able loosen the grasp of drugs because I put enough faith in myself and in my Heavenly Father to help guide me and to lift my burdens. I am very blessed to be able to over come such a difficult trial and I wasn't in so deep like so many of my old friends still are. I am blessed that I finally was able to gain enough will power to gather the strength to get clean for myself. I am blessed to be surrounded by such loving family members who stood by my side when I was at my lowest and who rejoiced when I succeeded. I am very blessed to be where I am today, to be who I am today. 

Monday, June 30, 2014

BABY 2015

Ariel and I are excited to announce that Baby Alfaro will be arriving in Feb. 2015! Yup, that's right my womb is occupied and growing a little human. (So, I totally blogged about this before but I accidentally deleted the post instead of editing it like I planned... so this post will be a recap of that post. Oops)
We weren't planning on this happening within our first year of marriage but life happens (pun intended) and after the shock wore off we've became pretty dang excited about it! 

I decided to came off birth control for a short period of time because I was having unpleasant side effects and I wanted to make sure it was the pills that were causing them.... sure enough it was. After being off of birth control fully for two monthly cycles I decided it was time to talk to an OB about a different type of baby stopping hormones I could get on since the one I was previously on didn't like me. Well, the month I was going to get back on it I found out I was pregnant! At least no more monthly visit for a while, so that's a plus. 

Around three days before my period was suppose to arrive I started to feel really icky and wasn't sure what was going on and I told Ariel and that there was a possibility of me being pregnant and that I wanted to test, of course him being a male told me to wait and didn't understand that waiting to take a test is killer. Well I decided to pray about it to see if I tested before that I would get an accurate result, we went off shopping and I pushed taking a test to the back of my mind for the time being. As we got to the grocery store I felt that I should pick up a test, so I did as Ariel rolled his eyes at me! 
The next morning was Sunday so I woke up before church to go pee on a stick that I knew was going to show a negative, I did my business and placed the test on the ground under the sink so I wasn't tempted to look and would come back after two minutes. 

I went back to expect a negative but there were two lines.. one was fainter than the other but that was because it was 3 days before my missed period. I just looked at it for a second making sure I was seeing things correctly and I just started to shake. I went to stand by our bedroom door and Ariel just looked at me and said "You're pregnant" and laid back down... was I the only one that was freaking out here?! I shoved the test in his face and he said it wasn't true because the test line was fainter than the control line, men that don't know anything about pregnancy! I just kept telling him it's a positive and we're having a flippin' baby. 

After my period was a no show I took another test and the test line was darker and so I set up an appt. to get a test done by a Doctor since Ariel wasn't going to believe it until it was confirmed by a Doctor. Hello, I peed on a stick and it said positive... that should be all you need to know! Well I got a confirmation that I was indeed pregnant and so I set up an appt., since my first pregnancy had complications I was scheduled to have my first ultrasound at 6 weeks to make sure everything was going well. 
Ariel and I headed to the OB office to see Dr. Tanner and we were able to see our sweet little baby and see their heart fluttering away!!!!! It was such an amazing experience for both of us and I was on cloud on the whole time, I have another ultrasound on the 2nd and I can't wait to see my little babe again. 

Sunday, May 11, 2014

My Mother's Day

Mother's Day has always been a pretty difficult holiday to go through because I wasn't worldly recognized as a mother and I was looked over because I had no Earthly children. I would dread going to church on past Mother's Days because little treats were handed out to all the mothers in the ward but I was passed by and I felt heartbroken. I had no Facebook status written out to me telling the world how wonderful a mother I am. I will never be woken up by wet sloppy kisses from my Liam. With this Mother's Day coming up, I've been thinking about it and how I was not looking forward to this certain holiday... so I knelt down and prayed and pondered about being a mother. As I write this post after I've had time to think about Mother's Day: I know I do not need to be worldly recognized as one because I know I am one, my family, my son, and my Heavenly Father knows this too. In my heart I know I am a wonderful mother and will always be a mother to my precious son. Although, not having Liam here with me is difficult and I miss my precious baby but I know, I know I will be reunited with him again for Eternity as his mother. I am also, so honored to be his mother and I always honor his life because that's what loving mothers do.
I am a mother, yet I may have empty arms and won't hear "mama" coming from a small sweet voice. Death does not unmake a mother, I believe what defines a mother is the feeling in her heart, the unconditional love that came right from the start. Even though I lost my son before I was able to meet him, I am still a mother and on this Mother's Day I will cherish my title as one.

Death does not unmake a mother. If anything, we need to be more resourceful in our mothering. There are no parenting books, no theories on how to parent a dead child. But we still parent. We just make it all up, each day, as we go along, hurting and healing. Parenting is just tailoring maternal love to fit each child. We do that with our dead babies too. We wonder which flower would honor their lives, we relish speaking their names. We collect drawings of butterflies, quotes that touch our hearts, we write their names on the sand and in the snow.

We remember. We remember all the time. We remember the love. Also, the pain. That odd quality we have about us… it’s because we have something special. We have extra love in our hearts. Love that can’t translate into choosing the safest rear-facing car seat, so it becomes love that wonders and meanders, most times with nowhere to go. So this love with no port, it flutters about. Sometimes it bursts out through tears, stinging sobs. Other times it makes for a sideways smile when we remember our child. And it always makes us seem just a teeny bit off. Because we are. A little person is missing from our arms. But all the love for them is here, inside us, bubbling away in everything we do.” -

I would also like to say thank you to my mother and mother-in-law who are so loving and caring. Thankful to have two great examples in my life, love you mama and Amanda (also my daddy and Ariel)!