Sunday, May 11, 2014

My Mother's Day

Mother's Day has always been a pretty difficult holiday to go through because I wasn't worldly recognized as a mother and I was looked over because I had no Earthly children. I would dread going to church on past Mother's Days because little treats were handed out to all the mothers in the ward but I was passed by and I felt heartbroken. I had no Facebook status written out to me telling the world how wonderful a mother I am. I will never be woken up by wet sloppy kisses from my Liam. With this Mother's Day coming up, I've been thinking about it and how I was not looking forward to this certain holiday... so I knelt down and prayed and pondered about being a mother. As I write this post after I've had time to think about Mother's Day: I know I do not need to be worldly recognized as one because I know I am one, my family, my son, and my Heavenly Father knows this too. In my heart I know I am a wonderful mother and will always be a mother to my precious son. Although, not having Liam here with me is difficult and I miss my precious baby but I know, I know I will be reunited with him again for Eternity as his mother. I am also, so honored to be his mother and I always honor his life because that's what loving mothers do.
I am a mother, yet I may have empty arms and won't hear "mama" coming from a small sweet voice. Death does not unmake a mother, I believe what defines a mother is the feeling in her heart, the unconditional love that came right from the start. Even though I lost my son before I was able to meet him, I am still a mother and on this Mother's Day I will cherish my title as one.

Death does not unmake a mother. If anything, we need to be more resourceful in our mothering. There are no parenting books, no theories on how to parent a dead child. But we still parent. We just make it all up, each day, as we go along, hurting and healing. Parenting is just tailoring maternal love to fit each child. We do that with our dead babies too. We wonder which flower would honor their lives, we relish speaking their names. We collect drawings of butterflies, quotes that touch our hearts, we write their names on the sand and in the snow.

We remember. We remember all the time. We remember the love. Also, the pain. That odd quality we have about us… it’s because we have something special. We have extra love in our hearts. Love that can’t translate into choosing the safest rear-facing car seat, so it becomes love that wonders and meanders, most times with nowhere to go. So this love with no port, it flutters about. Sometimes it bursts out through tears, stinging sobs. Other times it makes for a sideways smile when we remember our child. And it always makes us seem just a teeny bit off. Because we are. A little person is missing from our arms. But all the love for them is here, inside us, bubbling away in everything we do.” -

I would also like to say thank you to my mother and mother-in-law who are so loving and caring. Thankful to have two great examples in my life, love you mama and Amanda (also my daddy and Ariel)!