October 15th: National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

I wasn't planning on writing a blog post about today being National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day because I just seem to never be able to get my feelings down lately. . . but I finally decided to write a small post about today. 

When my sweet Liam passed away I wanted to pass away with him, but I had to choose to live. I now live a life full of hope, promise, courage, and inspiration – I am grateful for these gifts I've gained from working through grief. And I will continue to grow by living fully and seeing the beauty in the world. 

I know Heavenly Father has a greater plan for my little Liam so I am at peace with his passing. I feel as though his passing was to help me in many ways, which it has, because I have allowed it to. Through the struggles and pain, I have gained strength and have grown greatly. I also know he's in loving arms awaiting my eternal arrival when that time comes. 

Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, tonight at 7pm light a candle for an hour to remember those sweet babies who have passed on before us. 

This day and everyday I remember and honor my sweet Liam. 

A Sweet Name!

ZION JOAQUIN ALFARO 

{zīen} { hwah-KEEN} 

Zion: "Out of Zion, the perfection of beauty, God hath shined" Pslam 50:2

Joaquin: God will establish 

Being able to actually call him by name and using his name in prayer – just feels right. We've always loved the name Zion and this little boy seems to fit the name. We wanted a more Hispanic middle name and that wasn't the typical Hispanic male name; when my sister-in-law asked what his name would be Ariel just said "Zion Joaquin" and it just seemed to fit even without much thought. Naming your child and calling them by name creates an even great bond and I am so happy we have a name picked out so we can now call him by name and not just "baby". Also, having him have a name just makes me even more excited to officially meet this son of mine! 

Over Coming Hard Things

I want to talk about my struggle with drugs for you to understand that it could happen to anyone and that it is possible to over come. I am wanting to be vague on the type of drugs I took because that part isn't important, the important part is that I was able to over come such struggles. 

For me, it started with only once in awhile, which turned into a monthly occurrence, that changed to multiple times within a month, then became a weekly happening, and finally it ended up being apart of my daily routine. The thing with narcotics is, no one starts off being dependent on them; that need creeps up on you and you seem to always tell yourself "I don't have a problem, I don't need them... I can stop at anytime" and once you start justifying yourself... it's already too late.  

I've been 100% clean and sober from any mind altering substances for 16 whole months, and I have never felt more healthier mentally, physically, and emotionally. This journey to get where I am today wasn't an easy one and it has had many obstacles along the way but it was and still is so worth it. I was able to break away from the grasp of harmful substances but the reality is, I will never "get over" this eternal craving; I just learn to live with it. I was able to rebuild myself again but I can still have the urge to get that fix again and that will never go away. The thing with narcotics they take over your life, mentally and physically, and you have to battle your own body and mind to over come such a strong hold. 

I was so naive about drugs when I first started to "experiment" with them, the first drug I took I thought it was a "weed pill" when actually, it was ecstasy (MDMA). After my first encounter I didn't want to stop there, so I dove in deep. The next couple of years I was very damaging to myself because of the substances I would take, I would always tell myself I would only try something once and that'd be it but that was never the case for me. I always wanted more and I got what I wanted. My high school days lacked going to class, family events, true happiness, and true friendship but instead was filled with drugs, alcohol, fake friends, forgetting the nights before, throwing up, and sneaking around. As I look back, there was nothing glamorous about going to class so high that I had to run to the bathroom because I had throw up. It wasn't cool to be so wasted that I couldn't get home and causing my family worry because their daughter didn't show up until the next morning. I didn't have fun when I would dose off while out to dinner with the family because I was too doped up to even look alive for a conversation. It wasn't thrilling waking up not having a clue what happened the night before and wake up with your own throw up. My life was a temporary one, temporary friends with temporary happiness- something that wasn't worth living for. Also the thing with drugs, they don't only damage your life but they also damage your loved one's lives, and my loved ones where greatly affected. I was doing illegal drugs as a minor so there was a lot of lying going on and sneaking around and that caused me to be defensive and distant. I was more focused on the high than being kind or close to my family members. When I was at my lowest point I would even steal from them, money but also proscription drugs because I needed a high and a good high didn't come free or a high wasn't reachable unless proscribed by a Doctor. I caused my family heart ache and worry over a temporary high and that is not worth seeing your family suffer from your own expense. 

I lived like this for a couple of years- living a temporary life. For a short period of time I went up to stay with my grandparents so I didn't have access to some of the drugs I was taking. When I came back to the States I told myself not again, that I can't go down that path again but the cravings of that high over powered my self-control and I relapsed again... and again. I was back right where I started and I let this go on for 8 long months, living a miserable life. At the beginning of 2013 while I was away at college I just had nothing going for me, I just focused on getting high and that isn't a life to live... so I thought to myself what could it hurt trying to get help? I certainly wouldn't lose anything important, so that year I decide to get help and start living a life worth living for. 

The first months of getting clean were very hard and I again allowed myself to relapse. I was having a hard time because I still had ties to old friends who weren't supportive of me getting clean, so I cut ties. I changed my phone number, stopped following people on social media who would talk about partying and drugs, stop listening to certain music that brought back memories, I eliminated everything from my life that reminded me of my "high days". I begged and pleaded with Heavenly Father to rid me of this burden, because at time it was unbearable. I wouldn't be able to even function normally because I wasn't high, it was once apart of my daily life and not having it was hard on me. It took time to stop thinking about it daily and always wishing, I wish I was high for this. Through out all the pain and struggle, it was a battle worth fighting for. I look back on who I was and see a great improvement, I am back to being the real me.

At about 4 months in with being clean I thought I was doing well with over coming this struggle until one summer day when my family was having a BBQ, something I thought I had forgotten came back and clouded my mind. My father was making some orange chicken and some of the marinade fall on the grill causing it to have an awful smell. Right when I smelled it, that burnt mustard smell I gagged. The marinade smelt just like burning Heroin, it filled my nostrils and I felt like I was high again. I rushed inside so I could get away from the smell and I was shocked how it effected me so strongly, I was deviated. A smell still had control over me, just smelling something that smelt like Heroin made me crave it so strongly. 

Thankfully, I was finally able loosen the grasp of drugs because I put enough faith in myself and in my Heavenly Father to help guide me and to lift my burdens. I am very blessed to be able to over come such a difficult trial and I wasn't in so deep like so many of my old friends still are. I am blessed that I finally was able to gain enough will power to gather the strength to get clean for myself. I am blessed to be surrounded by such loving family members who stood by my side when I was at my lowest and who rejoiced when I succeeded. I am very blessed to be where I am today, to be who I am today. 

BABY 2015

Ariel and I are excited to announce that Baby Alfaro will be arriving in Feb. 2015! Yup, that's right my womb is occupied and growing a little human. (So, I totally blogged about this before but I accidentally deleted the post instead of editing it like I planned... so this post will be a recap of that post. Oops)

We weren't planning on this happening within our first year of marriage but life happens (pun intended) and after the shock wore off we've became pretty dang excited about it! 

I decided to came off birth control for a short period of time because I was having unpleasant side effects and I wanted to make sure it was the pills that were causing them.... sure enough it was. After being off of birth control fully for two monthly cycles I decided it was time to talk to an OB about a different type of baby stopping hormones I could get on since the one I was previously on didn't like me. Well, the month I was going to get back on it I found out I was pregnant! At least no more monthly visit for a while, so that's a plus. 

Around three days before my period was suppose to arrive I started to feel really icky and wasn't sure what was going on and I told Ariel and that there was a possibility of me being pregnant and that I wanted to test, of course him being a male told me to wait and didn't understand that waiting to take a test is killer. Well I decided to pray about it to see if I tested before that I would get an accurate result, we went off shopping and I pushed taking a test to the back of my mind for the time being. As we got to the grocery store I felt that I should pick up a test, so I did as Ariel rolled his eyes at me! 
The next morning was Sunday so I woke up before church to go pee on a stick that I knew was going to show a negative, I did my business and placed the test on the ground under the sink so I wasn't tempted to look and would come back after two minutes. 

I went back to expect a negative but there were two lines.. one was fainter than the other but that was because it was 3 days before my missed period. I just looked at it for a second making sure I was seeing things correctly and I just started to shake. I went to stand by our bedroom door and Ariel just looked at me and said "You're pregnant" and laid back down... was I the only one that was freaking out here?! I shoved the test in his face and he said it wasn't true because the test line was fainter than the control line, men that don't know anything about pregnancy! I just kept telling him it's a positive and we're having a flippin' baby. 



After my period was a no show I took another test and the test line was darker and so I set up an appt. to get a test done by a Doctor since Ariel wasn't going to believe it until it was confirmed by a Doctor. Hello, I peed on a stick and it said positive... that should be all you need to know! Well I got a confirmation that I was indeed pregnant and so I set up an appt., since my first pregnancy had complications I was scheduled to have my first ultrasound at 6 weeks to make sure everything was going well. 
Ariel and I headed to the OB office to see Dr. Tanner and we were able to see our sweet little baby and see their heart fluttering away!!!!! It was such an amazing experience for both of us and I was on cloud on the whole time, I have another ultrasound on the 2nd and I can't wait to see my little babe again. 

My Mother's Day

Mother's Day has always been a pretty difficult holiday to go through because I wasn't worldly recognized as a mother and I was looked over because I had no Earthly children. I would dread going to church on past Mother's Days because little treats were handed out to all the mothers in the ward but I was passed by and I felt heartbroken. I had no Facebook status written out to me telling the world how wonderful a mother I am. I will never be woken up by wet sloppy kisses from my Liam. With this Mother's Day coming up, I've been thinking about it and how I was not looking forward to this certain holiday... so I knelt down and prayed and pondered about being a mother. As I write this post after I've had time to think about Mother's Day: I know I do not need to be worldly recognized as one because I know I am one, my family, my son, and my Heavenly Father knows this too. In my heart I know I am a wonderful mother and will always be a mother to my precious son. Although, not having Liam here with me is difficult and I miss my precious baby but I know, I know I will be reunited with him again for Eternity as his mother. I am also, so honored to be his mother and I always honor his life because that's what loving mothers do.
I am a mother, yet I may have empty arms and won't hear "mama" coming from a small sweet voice. Death does not unmake a mother, I believe what defines a mother is the feeling in her heart, the unconditional love that came right from the start. Even though I lost my son before I was able to meet him, I am still a mother and on this Mother's Day I will cherish my title as one.

“Death does not unmake a mother. If anything, we need to be more resourceful in our mothering. There are no parenting books, no theories on how to parent a dead child. But we still parent. We just make it all up, each day, as we go along, hurting and healing. Parenting is just tailoring maternal love to fit each child. We do that with our dead babies too. We wonder which flower would honor their lives, we relish speaking their names. We collect drawings of butterflies, quotes that touch our hearts, we write their names on the sand and in the snow.

We remember. We remember all the time. We remember the love. Also, the pain. That odd quality we have about us… it’s because we have something special. We have extra love in our hearts. Love that can’t translate into choosing the safest rear-facing car seat, so it becomes love that wonders and meanders, most times with nowhere to go. So this love with no port, it flutters about. Sometimes it bursts out through tears, stinging sobs. Other times it makes for a sideways smile when we remember our child. And it always makes us seem just a teeny bit off. Because we are. A little person is missing from our arms. But all the love for them is here, inside us, bubbling away in everything we do.” - Stillstandingmag.com

I would also like to say thank you to my mother and mother-in-law who are so loving and caring. Thankful to have two great examples in my life, love you mama and Amanda (also my daddy and Ariel)! 

Happy 2nd Birthday, Precious Liam

From this day in March, it's been two whole years since I said hello and goodbye for the first and last time to my son here on Earth — what a bitter sweet day it is. This little precious boy, who I've never official met, who used to kick and wiggle in my womb for 6 ½ short months has impacted me more than anyone in my life has. How strange is it to learn from and love someone you've never even met and still learn from and love them once they've left this Earth? I know my son's passing was a blessing in disguise and it helped mold me into the person I am proud to be today. 

As I sit down to write about it being Liam's 2nd birthday, I am filled with peace and comfort. I know he's in a painless place now and that helps me get through these hard days. He never felt greed, envy, and sorrow from this world; he left only feeling love and that comforts me. These 2 years have speed by very fast and I sometimes can't believe it's been that long and also that short of time, but I know I am nowhere were I was 2 years ago. I felt alone in my grief and that no one could understand what I was going through, so I sheltered myself and my feelings. This, caused me to go into depression and I was at my lowest point. I was always looking for someone to comfort me and be the one the help me get through this heart breaking loss, but what I didn't realize is that I had someone there for me the whole bloody time... my loving Heavenly Father — who died for me and knows all of my sorrows and weaknesses. After I realized this, I turned to him for comfort and to lift me up when I couldn't do it myself. From that point on: I was able to see that losing my son wasn't the end, I was able to live a happy full life, and I was finally able to feel my Father's love for me as he guided me through these past two years. Now every day isn't hard, I don't dread waking up facing another day without my sweet babe; now it's rare to have a dreadful day because I've accepted my son's death. I still grieve for him greatly and there isn't a day where I won't think of Liam because I love him and because I love him I will not stop grieving him — he will always be my little piece of Heaven.

The love I have for Liam, is like no other... I hold him in all of my heart, safely protected. I grieve for all the little things I have and will miss(ed) out on that he should be experiencing here on Earth, but I know I will be able to live with him again and be able to enjoy his glorified self for eternity! I know, he feels my motherly love and that I am so thankful for... even though he is not physically here with me that he can still feel my everlasting love for him. 

I would now like to share a poem that someone from my parent's ward gave to me in a booklet full of poems about the loss of a child, but this one in particular has stood out to me and has been an anchor for me. Every time I read these words, it helps me stay strong for my Liam, so I am able to go Home to him. The last part is what brings me to tears and reading these words has truly helped me over come my deepest grief....

"Wearing a crown

 already worn in the

 heights of heaven, 

he came to his mother's womb,

 surrounded by his works

 of celestial glory.

Too tender and holy

for this life's plodding privilege,

he breathed his mother's

sweet breath in silence

before returning home again.

But he is not an unknown soul;

unto glorious spirits he came,

unto more glorious parents returning.

He leaves behind for us 

a glimpse of eternal peace

of family links unbroken.

We await another time and place

to see, to feel, to know again

our precious son.

Assisting from the other side,

His voice will whisper

From time to time,

"Father, Mother,

Dear family, don't forget;

for me, please come home."

I will be writing about how his 2nd birthday went later on this week and what I did to celebrate his life. 

p.s. still am in a total rut with blogging, surprised I had it in me to write this all out, but I am glad I did... won't be blogging for some time, though.

3RD PART OF VI: SEEING LIAM

I couldn't stop looking over at the table where he laid waiting to finally hold his delicate little body, Liam was then placed into my arms after what seemed like forever. My mother and I marveled over how little he was and oh was he loved! Finally being able to hold the little person I've felt move around and grow inside me was a wonderful experience. After I had some time to myself with Liam I asked my mom to go get Victor so he could see his son too. Victor came into the room and I introduced him to his son and we both started to cry joyful tears.

 We were so in love with that little boy! We gazed at him for while commenting on the features he had and who they were from. He was definitely going to have Victor's big nose, he had my little butt chin and Cupid's bow! (it was stinking cute) He had quite a bit of hair already, so I am sure if he came on time he would of came out with a ton of hair, which I totally would of loved! My family then came in to see little Liam and to be there for us, it was such a moment full of love. The whole time I felt uplifted and happy, to be there with my loved ones and having them be so supportive. Liam laid in my lap most of the night, and I just couldn't keep my eyes off of him or stop petting his little fuzzy head. 

Two ladies from SHARE came to take molds of Liam's hands and feet, so I handed him off to them to get those done. Also a lady from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep came to take pictures of Liam and I. I had no idea how many support groups there were for women who lost their babies too soon. I have never been so touched in my life, then I was that day when so many strangers came to help me during this difficult time. After things settled down again and it was just my family and I, my home ward's Bishop came to give a blessing of a name to Liam. It was such a peaceful time, you could feel Liam's spirit through out the whole room... he has such a calm and strong spirit to him. After that we had to figure out if we were going to do a funeral or just a memorial for Liam, and when it was going to be. It was a surreal thing planning what's going to happen to my son and how we were going to deal with his dead body, when he was laying right there in my arms. We decided to have the hospital cremate him since nature was taking it's course and his body was already having a hard time. We planned to have a memorial for Liam instead of a funeral, we were going to buy a tree to plant in his name too. So that meant today was going to be the first and last time I was ever going to hold my son's body. 

Victor and I had some alone time after we decided the plans of what to do with his body, we wanted some time to say goodbye. I didn't want to have Liam's body out in the open much longer since his fragile skin was starting to peal on his hands and feet, I didn't want that body to suffer any more. We both took turns holding him and telling him how much we loved him, how much he meant to us. I didn't feel pain during this time, I was reassured I was going to be able to see him again.. I just felt sad I was saying goodbye to his little body. The clock hit 10 PM and we both decided it was time to say goodbye for good, we called the nurse into the room to take Liam's lifeless body away. Before I handed over that little lifeless body, I kissed his forehead whispering I love you, Liam. Once he left the room, all peace left with him and I began to cry. My family came back into the delivery room since we were soon to be moved to the maternity ward with all the other mothers. (great, just what I needed to hear.. healthy crying babies) I was wheeled to my new room to spend the night to recover, thankfully it was quiet and I didn't hear a peek from a baby. Once I hit the bed I was exhausted all the strength left me, so I passed right out. I awoke and took a well needed shower, and ate some yummy hospital food.

Around noon I was discharged from the hospital, it was such a difficult time leaving the hospital empty with arms that ached for my sweet baby. 

I spent 5 hours with my son before I said a final goodbye, it won't make up for a life time of moments but those few hours will always be cherished. My sweet Liam is a real person who I felt, was able to heard his heart beat, and got to hold... I will always miss him. 

RIP my sweet Liam... God be with you until we meet again.

2ND PART OF VI: BIRTH

I woke up around 3:00 AM the morning I was scheduled for labor in physical pain – I was having back contractions. I just laid in bed tossing, turning, and whimpering trying to get comfortable but it wasn't happening. I shared a room with my older sister Allyson so I woke her up with my cries; she turned on some music to have me focus on something else besides the pain I was feeling. I had to be at the hospital at 5:00 AM so I thought I might as well get up and move around instead of moping in my bed. I ate breakfast and just sat around in a total daze for awhile; 1. I was extremely tired because I didn't get much sleep. 2. I was going to birth my sons' lifeless body later that day. 3. I was terrified of birth. 

I started to get my hospital bag together and Liam's things together, it was a rough morning for me.

 I did all the normal things you do to get ready, but on this day it felt like I was in jello because I was so sluggish with everything I did. I took my last belly shot before I headed to the hospital, I tried to smile in it but I just couldn't muster enough will power to do that. As my mother and I were leaving to pick up Victor on our way to the hospital, I grabbed the Build-A-Bear Victor and I made for Liam so I had something to cuddle with. It was the most somber drive I've ever been on and the gloomy weather didn't help either, it felt like I was driving to my own funeral. I was wheeled to my room in a wheel chair after we were checked into the Riverton Hospital women's ward, I was so thankful to be in that chair because I didn't want to take the steps to what felt like the end of my life. I got in the ugly open backed hospital gown and I got strapped to the monitoring machines and a nurse checked how far along I was dilated. 3 cm and 50% effaced, that was quick. Since Liam was smaller I wouldn't have to be fully dilated to give birth to him so I didn't have to wait that long, like that news lighted my mood. I was pretty shocked they didn't check his heart beat to see if there was a chance he could still be alive, it made me realize this is the real deal – he isn't alive anymore. I was more than pleased when I was able to get some IV pain medicine in me, I didn't want to feel any more contractions.
I kid you not I watched a marathon of TOO CUTE: Kittens for 5 hours while in labor, my family hated me for it. Nothing eventful happened while we waited for me to be dialed enough to give birth, I just was drugged up eating my green lime flavored ice (it was St. Patrick's Day). My mother and Victor set up the table where they'd place Liam after he was born with the blankets I got him, the Build-A-Bear, and the shirt I made him, so it could look more "homey".  While in the hospital waiting I wasn't scared or nervous because I just didn't let myself think of why I was there, what was going to happen in a couple of hours I wanted to just relax or I was just too high to feel anything. The whole time waiting to give birth was very peaceful, it was such a blessing for me.
Once I was 6 cm dialed it was time for my epidural, I wasn't scared to get it, actually I was looking forward to it. My contractions were to the point where the IV medicine wasn't numbing all of the pain so I wanted something more heavy duty and it was getting closer for me to give birth. Epidurals are a weird but marvelous thing, although having a catheter wasn't my favorite. Not even five minutes after I got the epidural in me, a gush of fluid comes rushing out... either I just peed myself or my water broke. The nurse went to fetch the doctor... it was baby time or so I thought. The doctor checked me and part of my sack was still attached, so we were going to wait until I was a little more dilated to break the rest of it. Phew, false alarm. At this point I was getting a little more nervous because I felt like I wanted to push, so the doctor was called in again to start the birthing process. 
I decided I wanted my mother to be there when I gave birth and not Victor, I needed as much support and love as I could get.
I was now 10 cm dialed so it was time to get things rolling. My family left the room, it was just my mother, the nurse, doctor and I. The bed changed into more of a delivery table, the doctor pulled down a bright light, the nurses got everything prepped for birth, and the doctor broke the rest of my sack. That's when I started to panic. Everything was going so fast I didn't know how to do this... there are breathing techniques?! I looked to my mom for reassurance and a hand to hold. I started to cry because it was really happening, I was giving birth to my precious son. I was so scared, heart broken, and mad this was all happening now. The doctor told me to push when I was feeling ready, I just wanted to get this over with so I pushed... damn did it hurt. (you have to elevate one side of your body with an epidural and

switch every now and then, my right side had less effect from the epidural so I could feel pain on that side) I started to cry even more and I would cry out how it hurt and I couldn't do this. My sweet momma held my hand and coached me through it, only a couple pushes more and Liam was born. Birthing your baby in silence is the most painful thing, it's that first cry every mother waits for and I didn't get to hear that sweet cry nor will I ever.
The doctor and nurse was getting Liam cleaned up so I didn't see him right then but my mom kept telling me how little he was. The doctor placed Liam on my chest asking me if I wanted to cut the umbilicord, I shook my head because honestly I was scared to and I didn't want to take my hands off of my son. I just cried even more as I looked at my baby, he was preciously small. Liam was then taken to be measured and to be wrapped in blankets and so I could be fully cleaned up. After what seemed like forever Liam was placed into my arms so I could cherish my first and last moments with him. My heart swelled with infinite love when I was able to finally hold and see my little boy. Oh the joy of being a mother and finally seeing the little one that was growing inside you!

To be continued....

I will wear it proudly

Modesty is a fairly common word but a less common practice, especially in this time and a day. Modesty is something I used to struggle with, I couldn’t follow all the simple guidelines that the LDS church suggested when it came to dressing modest. I was never a very immodest person but I would still wear less modest clothing, and at that time I was okay with that. I was embarrassed to dress “Mormon” and to fully look modest, I wanted to look stylish and looking “Mormon” wasn’t stylish. I didn’t care how I felt in what I was wear or how it could make others feel, only cared if it was cute. Once I allowed the Gospel back into my life I became more conscious of what I would wear to church, but I would still sometimes wear less modest clothing outside of church. I wasn’t fully ready to give up my cute pieces of clothing because I thought that since I was not sealed in the temple I didn’t have to be fully modest, I could commit myself once that happens in my life. With that being said, I am going to share a little experience on what changed my mind and views on modesty and preparing yourself now. 

I was going to be a bride so I needed to find the perfect dress to wear on my perfect day! I wanted to wear a modest dress, well mostly modest. My mother was going to make my wedding dress, so I showed her the dress I wanted her to replicate… it was modest, besides having a sheer top. It was simple yet stunning and I was extremely pleased with how it was turning out. When it came to the part of making the top half my mother asked

if I wanted it sheer or solid and I told her sheer just like the original dress. She then reminded me of my goal of getting sealed in the temple and that I should wear a fully modest dress. I shot back that I wasn’t going to be sealed for a while since my husband and I were going to have a civil marriage first, so I wouldn’t need a fully dress modest. I knew she was right but didn’t like it, so I just angrily said yes while rolling my eyes… I was going to look like a Mormon bride. I went to my room and cried angry tears because I was not going to get the perfect dress I wanted and I was going to look modest even though I was not going to have a temple wedding. As I sat and pouted a verse from I Love to See the Temple came to mind, "I will prepare myself while I am young; this is my sacred duty".  I was being blinded from the world’s view and my own justifications on modesty.

What really helped me overcome my struggle with dressing immodest was, seeing myself as a daughter of God. I want others to see that I respect my title as such, and I do that by dressing modest. As being a daughter of God I need to prepare myself now to be able to enter into His house, including dressing modest. It’s my goal to be sealed in the temple to my husband and if I want to reach that goal I need to make the necessary sacrifices to get there. Dressing modest may seem like a small part of preparing yourself to enter the temple but if you can’t follow the small things, how do you expect to follow the greater things the Lord asks us to do? After praying and fasting I came to realize being modest isn't about fashion or looking the most stylish, no it was way more than those worldly things. It outwardly shows that we understand and value our relationship with our Heavenly Father, that we respect the gift of our body he gave to us. We are keeping the holy covenants by doing so and we are showing our Heavenly Father we are wanting to be virtuous. I stopped looking at modesty in the worldly aspect because the world isn't who matters, it's our Heavenly Father who does. 

I know being modest everywhere, not only church, is hard and can be a challenge. You have to search through crop tops, skirts that have high slits in them, skimpy dresses, and hardly there shorts to only find something that is modest but isn’t your size. It very discouraging when you see others wear stylish outfits but knowing it isn’t modest, so you shouldn’t wear it. Keep in mind… “Modesty is more than a fashion statement, it’s a daily decision to dress like the child of God you are.” I know if we, daughters of God, wear our faith and show we respect our title… we will be blessed! I am no longer ashamed to look Mormon, because I am proud of my faith, and I will wear it proudly.

**The original photo at the top of the post is from Mikarose, which happens to be a website full of cute modest clothing + they have adorable accessories!** 

1ST PART OF VI: STILLBIRTH

Before I go into the part of my story about giving birth to Liam, which I want to make light and focus on the happy parts, I am going to talk about having your baby be stillborn.  

I came across a post that really helps describe stillbirth, I think this is really appropriate for this part of my story. 

“I don’t think that most people understand me when I say that my daughter was stillborn. That phrasing makes it sound passive, like it was something that just happened to me, externally. But that’s not what a stillbirth is, and I imagine that’s not what a miscarriage is either. A stillbirth isn’t something that happened to me, or my daughter, or my family. It’s something that happened inside me. That I was forced to participate in.

I keep trying to think of an analogy to explain how devastatingly non-passive enduring a stillbirth or miscarriage is, but nothing seems adequate. Perhaps it comes close to say that it’s like having cancer or another horrible, soul-draining, body-emaciating disease, only that the cancer that is within you is slowly killing someone else. Someone precious to you. And you are forced to come along for the ride, to participate in the killing.

The simple fact is – there is nothing like stillbirth. There is nothing like going to the hospital to check on your baby, only to have the incredibly sweet joy of pregnancy replaced in an instant with the dull, moaning emptiness of knowing that you are still going to have to endure labor and birth and filling breasts and the weeks of bleeding. Only your baby will be dead. Your labor pains will produce nothing but a shell of this most precious person. Your arms will be empty, and there will be no way to soothe your aching breasts.

And that doesn’t even factor in the grief, or the guilt, or the wondering of who or what in this wide world you are now that death has crept into your life, into your body, in such an insidious way.

Now ask yourself; what if you had to participate in the death of your loved one, to help bring their ending of breath into being? Then how long would it take you to heal? Stillbirth didn’t just happen to me. It doesn’t just happen to anyone. Your baby dies, and then you give birth. To your dead child. It’s not passive. You participate, even though you don’t want to. Even though it makes you want to scream and scream and scream in horror. You participate, and it keeps you up at night for weeks and months and years.

It’s been 2 months since I birthed my daughter’s dead body, and that is still what blooms large in my mind every night as I wait for sleep to descend. I don’t ask for the memories to come – they are just there. I can’t escape. I birth her again and again in my mind, hold her again and again for the first and last time, feel the lingering ache of afterbirth that prevents me forgetting even for a moment the nauseating reality of what just took place.

Stillbirth does not just happen. It’s not clean and surgical. Instead, it is messy and active, and it opens a wound whose pain throbs on long past you wish it would. And it changes you.” -Stillstandingmag.com

Giving birth to Liams' still body was the most traumatizing experience I will ever go through and I am still getting through it, because he is my son that I never got to meet. 

The proposal

Who doesn't love reading a proposal story, so here's mine: 

I knew Ariel bought my wedding ring, I just didn't know when he would pop the question... I seriously thought he wouldn't ask until months later so I wasn't excepting anything soon. 

We went to church like a normal Sunday and after church we went to Ariel's parents house to get some of his things before we went to my parents house for dinner. Before we left, Ariel said he had to grab something so go ahead to the car....I didn't think anything of it so I just waited like he asked. After dinner at my parents we wanted to go up Butterfield Canyon because that August night there was a meteor shower happening and I wanted to watch it. We drove up the winding road in Ariel's Xterra to the tip top of the canyon where we'd get the best view. We opened the trunk of his Xterra and wrapped ourselves in blankets while looking over the copper mine and mountains. There was a fire on the other side of the mountains and it made the sky and sun rusty red and it looked beautiful! (I shouldn't be saying a forest fire was pretty oh well) We just over looked the sunset while talking about the future and where we see ourselves in a year. I soaked up every bit of this beautiful night with Ariel by my side, it was perfect! As the sun was at the lowest point in the sky, Ariel pulled out a little box and asked if I'd marry him after he asked why I loved him. My jaw literally dropped open, I was completely shocked! I had no idea he was going to ask me to marry him now, I believed he was going to ask me at least at the end of the year! I totally spaced the question he asked me as I opened the box to see what was inside. At this point the sun was set so it was dark, so when I opened the box it looked empty because I couldn't see squat. I looked up at him confused and about to call him a jerk because the box was empty and there was no ring inside and I thought this was a joke.... until I put my hand inside and felt something! I just started to laugh because he was really asking me to marry him! I started to cry while I was laughing, because I was so happy. I was a complete shocked hot mess. I finally spat out a yes, after I remembered what he asked him, in between my laughs and cries. I put the ring on my finger and turned on my phone flashlight to see the ring.... IT WAS THE ONE I WANTED!!!! I could not keep my eyes off of it, it was perfect and stunning and simple just like I wanted. I kissed Ariel, probably a really wet kiss because the tears all over my face. We just sat there talking about marriage and what it'll bring us, I was still in shock that this happened.... I AM ENGAGED. After the hiccups from laughing/crying wore off we got out of the trunk to stand wrapped in a blanket to watch the meteor shower. 

I loved every moment of this night, I loved the intimacy of it being just us while he proposed to me. I loved how it wasn't a cliché proposal with him on one knee, he did it in his own way and I loved that. 

Continually confidently aligning

This year I will continually be moving forward with confidence in every aspect of my life, I see the potential I have and I plan on reaching it. I have so much optimism for these next 12 months ahead of me, I know I can do great things and great things will come! One of the biggest things I am looking forward to in this year is, strengthening my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my husband. 
Recently I let the Gospel back into my life, you can view the recap of last year which talks about that here, so I am still working on growing my testimony of the church and this year I want to be able to continue to work on that. This new change has been the greatest choice I've ever made, so I can't stop here... I have so much work to do! I want to have conviction in my voice when I speak my testimony, I want to be able to not falter when I voice my faith and beliefs.
Ariel and I have been married for 3 months to this day! (seems a lot longer than that) Marriage can be hard at times, it isn't "magical" like some people make it out to be, but I know if we keep our Heavenly Father at the center of our marriage we'll be able to have a strong & successful marriage. I am so happy to be able to start this year off with Ariel by my side, to go through trials and enjoy the happy times with him as my husband! This will be the start of our first full year together as a married couple and it'll be a good one.

I am not allowing myself to go into this year with doubt because nothing ruins success more than doubting yourself. I know I may not be able to get everything I want to do in 2014 completed because there are some factors I just can't control, but I want to be able to look back at the end of the year and feel proud of how far I came. I am not one for setting New Year resolutions because I think you should always be setting goals not just at a new year, but I have set some timely goals and I will be able to achieve them this year. (That is it's own post, so stay tuned) This year will be a year full of change and success, I can feel it.... and hopefully a sealing in the temple for Ariel and I! 

I found who I wanted to be last year, this year I will work on becoming that person.