2ND PART OF III: HEART STOPPING NEWS

As my mom and I got to my OB office, the long wait to actually see my OB begun. I still hadn't felt Liam move, so going into the ultrasound room would give me answers as to why. My name was called 20 minutes after I arrived and I was ushered to the back room to lay on the table while the cold jell was rubbed on my bear swollen stomach. I felt a strange stillness once I laid down on the table, I just couldn't figure out why I felt it. The ultra tech started to rub the transducer probe (the wand thingy) on my stomach, so I looked up to the monitor to see my little man. Usually you can see the heart beats to the bottom right of the picture of your baby but I didn't see the beat, I didn't think too much of it at that time – just that it was weird. The tech was quiet during the scan and after two minutes of moving the wand around my stomach she said "I'll be right back" and that's when I started to seriously panic – that's not what you want to hear while getting an ultrasound. My mom joked that she probably had to go to the bathroom and couldn't hold it; I pretended to joke with my mom while I was screaming on the inside. I watched every minute tick by waiting for her to come back from her "bathroom break", after 10 agonizing minutes she comes back into the room with a Dr. I did not recognize. They huddled around the ultrasound machine and started to talk quietly and in medical terms. (EXCUSE ME?! You're talking about my baby without me being able to hear or understand!) I wanted to scream at them to tell me what's going on and how is my baby... but I kept my cool and waited patiently until they told me the news. The Dr. sat down next to me and said "Your baby is healthy and growing properly... beside his heart, he has congestive heart failure." I just looked at him dumbly waiting for him to explain to me what that means for my baby and if he's still with me. He told me Liam's heart had failed and was no longer beating. My heart dropped, sank, shattered. I didn't know how to handle it or could wrap my brain around this: Liam wasn't alive anymore? But I just felt him move yesterday... this has to be a mistake! I asked how this could of happened, was it anything I did or didn't do? The answer I received was- Liam's heart failure wasn't my fault or caused by anything I did/didn't do, it's a defect that can happen and it happened to my precious little baby. I couldn't really cry when I heard this news, I just was in shock and it felt surreal. The Dr. gave my mother and I time to take in the news alone. My mom called my dad and told him and my dad left work early to be there for me. I started to just "fake" cry, I guess you could call it, because the real tears wouldn't come because it didn't feel real to me but I knew it would soon. As we walked out of the ultrasound room the tech that was in the room with us hugged me and give her condolences. I just walked to the front door in a haze, as I passed all the pregnant women with heathy babies in their wombs I started to cry and hurried out of the clinic. I called Victor as we were driving home and told him I had something to tell him so my mom and I were going to pick him up, we drove in silence to my house. I rushed Victor to my room once we reached my house, I sat him down on my bed and started to really bawl... it finally hit me that my sweet sweet Liam was dead. I told him Liams' heart stopped, that our baby isn't alive anymore. We laid on my bed crying until my parents came in and told us they did a little more research on CHF. It's a defect that puts too much pressure on the heart so the heart has a hard time pumping oxygen through the body; Liam's little heart wasn't strong enough to pump blood throughout his body, so it failed his little growing body. If he did make it to birth he would of had to go in heart surgery and maybe many after that to try to fix this defect.

I didn't even want to look at myself in mirror because I didn't want to see my bump, Liam wasn't in there... only his lifeless body. I felt dumbstruck because I didn't even think anything could happen after the first trimester since that's when you get out of "miscarriage" phase of your pregnancy. I heard stories of babies passing after they were born or born dead, but that happens to different people, people I didn't know... not me, not my precious Liam! I didn't know much about birth since my birthing class wasn't scheduled for another 2 weeks. My son's dead body was inside me, I was terrified because I didn't know how stillborn babies were actually born. 
The next day I had a regular OB appointment so my OB could give me more information about my baby and what's going to happen next.
As I went to bed, I wasn't jabbed or kicked constantly like I normal was at night because Liam was dead. That night was the first night of many tear filled nights. 


To be continue.....