Friday, January 17, 2014


I woke up around 3:00 AM the morning I was scheduled for labor in physical pain – I was having back contractions. I just laid in bed tossing, turning, and whimpering trying to get comfortable but it wasn't happening. I shared a room with my older sister Allyson so I woke her up with my cries; she turned on some music to have me focus on something else besides the pain I was feeling. I had to be at the hospital at 5:00 AM so I thought I might as well get up and move around instead of moping in my bed. I ate breakfast and just sat around in a total daze for awhile; 1. I was extremely tired because I didn't get much sleep. 2. I was going to birth my sons' lifeless body later that day. 3. I was terrified of birth. 
I started to get my hospital bag together and Liam's things together, it was a rough morning for me.
 I did all the normal things you do to get ready, but on this day it felt like I was in jello because I was so sluggish with everything I did. I took my last belly shot before I headed to the hospital, I tried to smile in it but I just couldn't muster enough will power to do that. As my mother and I were leaving to pick up Victor on our way to the hospital, I grabbed the Build-A-Bear Victor and I made for Liam so I had something to cuddle with. It was the most somber drive I've ever been on and the gloomy weather didn't help either, it felt like I was driving to my own funeral. I was wheeled to my room in a wheel chair after we were checked into the Riverton Hospital women's ward, I was so thankful to be in that chair because I didn't want to take the steps to what felt like the end of my life. I got in the ugly open backed hospital gown and I got strapped to the monitoring machines and a nurse checked how far along I was dilated. 3 cm and 50% effaced, that was quick. Since Liam was smaller I wouldn't have to be fully dilated to give birth to him so I didn't have to wait that long, like that news lighted my mood. I was pretty shocked they didn't check his heart beat to see if there was a chance he could still be alive, it made me realize this is the real deal – he isn't alive anymore. I was more than pleased when I was able to get some IV pain medicine in me, I didn't want to feel any more contractions.
I kid you not I watched a marathon of TOO CUTE: Kittens for 5 hours while in labor, my family hated me for it. Nothing eventful happened while we waited for me to be dialed enough to give birth, I just was drugged up eating my green lime flavored ice (it was St. Patrick's Day). My mother and Victor set up the table where they'd place Liam after he was born with the blankets I got him, the Build-A-Bear, and the shirt I made him, so it could look more "homey".  While in the hospital waiting I wasn't scared or nervous because I just didn't let myself think of why I was there, what was going to happen in a couple of hours I wanted to just relax or I was just too high to feel anything. The whole time waiting to give birth was very peaceful, it was such a blessing for me.
Once I was 6 cm dialed it was time for my epidural, I wasn't scared to get it, actually I was looking forward to it. My contractions were to the point where the IV medicine wasn't numbing all of the pain so I wanted something more heavy duty and it was getting closer for me to give birth. Epidurals are a weird but marvelous thing, although having a catheter wasn't my favorite. Not even five minutes after I got the epidural in me, a gush of fluid comes rushing out... either I just peed myself or my water broke. The nurse went to fetch the doctor... it was baby time or so I thought. The doctor checked me and part of my sack was still attached, so we were going to wait until I was a little more dilated to break the rest of it. Phew, false alarm. At this point I was getting a little more nervous because I felt like I wanted to push, so the doctor was called in again to start the birthing process. 
I decided I wanted my mother to be there when I gave birth and not Victor, I needed as much support and love as I could get.
I was now 10 cm dialed so it was time to get things rolling. My family left the room, it was just my mother, the nurse, doctor and I. The bed changed into more of a delivery table, the doctor pulled down a bright light, the nurses got everything prepped for birth, and the doctor broke the rest of my sack. That's when I started to panic. Everything was going so fast I didn't know how to do this... there are breathing techniques?! I looked to my mom for reassurance and a hand to hold. I started to cry because it was really happening, I was giving birth to my precious son. I was so scared, heart broken, and mad this was all happening now. The doctor told me to push when I was feeling ready, I just wanted to get this over with so I pushed... damn did it hurt. (you have to elevate one side of your body with an epidural and
switch every now and then, my right side had less effect from the epidural so I could feel pain on that side) I started to cry even more and I would cry out how it hurt and I couldn't do this. My sweet momma held my hand and coached me through it, only a couple pushes more and Liam was born. Birthing your baby in silence is the most painful thing, it's that first cry every mother waits for and I didn't get to hear that sweet cry nor will I ever.
The doctor and nurse was getting Liam cleaned up so I didn't see him right then but my mom kept telling me how little he was. The doctor placed Liam on my chest asking me if I wanted to cut the umbilicord, I shook my head because honestly I was scared to and I didn't want to take my hands off of my son. I just cried even more as I looked at my baby, he was preciously small. Liam was then taken to be measured and to be wrapped in blankets and so I could be fully cleaned up. After what seemed like forever Liam was placed into my arms so I could cherish my first and last moments with him. My heart swelled with infinite love when I was able to finally hold and see my little boy. Oh the joy of being a mother and finally seeing the little one that was growing inside you!

To be continued....


  1. This is so precious. Thank you for sharing! I cannot believe how small he was. How bittersweet that moment was been, if that's an okay thing to say. I don't think I could have ever handed over my son forever. Gosh, just thinking about makes my heart hurt. Even with the knowledge of being together again someday, I don't think I could let go. That would have been the hardest part for me.

    1. He was SO small but so precious, he barely weight anything in my arms but at the same time it felt like I was holding my whole world in my arms! It's an okay think to say, because it was so bittersweet! This whole experience it's self is such a bittersweet thing.
      it was the hardest thing I had to do, leaving him for EVER was so difficult, it felt like i was leaving a piece of me behind. It can still be hard even with the knowledge of knowing i can see him again, sometimes i want to see him now and hold him now.... i can be selfish at times.


Thoughts are welcome