I couldn't stop looking over at the table where he laid waiting to finally hold his delicate little body, Liam was then placed into my arms after what seemed like forever. My mother and I marveled over how little he was and oh was he loved! Finally being able to hold the little person I've felt move around and grow inside me was a wonderful experience. After I had some time to myself with Liam I asked my mom to go get Victor so he could see his son too. Victor came into the room and I introduced him to his son and we both started to cry joyful tears.We were so in love with that little boy! We gazed at him for while commenting on the features he had and who they were from. He was definitely going to have Victor's big nose, he had my little butt chin and Cupid's bow! (it was stinking cute) He had quite a bit of hair already, so I am sure if he came on time he would of came out with a ton of hair, which I totally would of loved! My family then came in to see little Liam and to be there for us, it was such a moment full of love. The whole time I felt uplifted and happy, to be there with my loved ones and having them be so supportive. Liam laid in my lap most of the night, and I just couldn't keep my eyes off of him or stop petting his little fuzzy head.
Two ladies from SHARE came to take molds of Liam's hands and feet, so I handed him off to them to get those done. Also a lady from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep came to take pictures of Liam and I. I had no idea how many support groups there were for women who lost their babies too soon. I have never been so touched in my life, then I was that day when so many strangers came to help me during this difficult time. After things settled down again and it was just my family and I, my home ward's Bishop came to give a blessing of a name to Liam. It was such a peaceful time, you could feel Liam's spirit through out the whole room... he has such a calm and strong spirit to him. After that we had to figure out if we were going to do a funeral or just a memorial for Liam, and when it was going to be. It was a surreal thing planning what's going to happen to my son and how we were going to deal with his dead body, when he was laying right there in my arms. We decided to have the hospital cremate him since nature was taking it's course and his body was already having a hard time. We planned to have a memorial for Liam instead of a funeral, we were going to buy a tree to plant in his name too. So that meant today was going to be the first and last time I was ever going to hold my son's body.
Victor and I had some alone time after we decided the plans of what to do with his body, we wanted some time to say goodbye. I didn't want to have Liam's body out in the open much longer since his fragile skin was starting to peal on his hands and feet, I didn't want that body to suffer any more. We both took turns holding him and telling him how much we loved him, how much he meant to us. I didn't feel pain during this time, I was reassured I was going to be able to see him again.. I just felt sad I was saying goodbye to his little body. The clock hit 10 PM and we both decided it was time to say goodbye for good, we called the nurse into the room to take Liam's lifeless body away. Before I handed over that little lifeless body, I kissed his forehead whispering I love you, Liam. Once he left the room, all peace left with him and I began to cry. My family came back into the delivery room since we were soon to be moved to the maternity ward with all the other mothers. (great, just what I needed to hear.. healthy crying babies) I was wheeled to my new room to spend the night to recover, thankfully it was quiet and I didn't hear a peek from a baby. Once I hit the bed I was exhausted all the strength left me, so I passed right out. I awoke and took a well needed shower, and ate some yummy hospital food.
Around noon I was discharged from the hospital, it was such a difficult time leaving the hospital empty with arms that ached for my sweet baby.
I spent 5 hours with my son before I said a final goodbye, it won't make up for a life time of moments but those few hours will always be cherished. My sweet Liam is a real person who I felt, was able to heard his heart beat, and got to hold... I will always miss him.
RIP my sweet Liam... God be with you until we meet again.