3RD PART OF VI: SEEING LIAM

I couldn't stop looking over at the table where he laid waiting to finally hold his delicate little body, Liam was then placed into my arms after what seemed like forever. My mother and I marveled over how little he was and oh was he loved! Finally being able to hold the little person I've felt move around and grow inside me was a wonderful experience. After I had some time to myself with Liam I asked my mom to go get Victor so he could see his son too. Victor came into the room and I introduced him to his son and we both started to cry joyful tears.

 We were so in love with that little boy! We gazed at him for while commenting on the features he had and who they were from. He was definitely going to have Victor's big nose, he had my little butt chin and Cupid's bow! (it was stinking cute) He had quite a bit of hair already, so I am sure if he came on time he would of came out with a ton of hair, which I totally would of loved! My family then came in to see little Liam and to be there for us, it was such a moment full of love. The whole time I felt uplifted and happy, to be there with my loved ones and having them be so supportive. Liam laid in my lap most of the night, and I just couldn't keep my eyes off of him or stop petting his little fuzzy head. 

Two ladies from SHARE came to take molds of Liam's hands and feet, so I handed him off to them to get those done. Also a lady from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep came to take pictures of Liam and I. I had no idea how many support groups there were for women who lost their babies too soon. I have never been so touched in my life, then I was that day when so many strangers came to help me during this difficult time. After things settled down again and it was just my family and I, my home ward's Bishop came to give a blessing of a name to Liam. It was such a peaceful time, you could feel Liam's spirit through out the whole room... he has such a calm and strong spirit to him. After that we had to figure out if we were going to do a funeral or just a memorial for Liam, and when it was going to be. It was a surreal thing planning what's going to happen to my son and how we were going to deal with his dead body, when he was laying right there in my arms. We decided to have the hospital cremate him since nature was taking it's course and his body was already having a hard time. We planned to have a memorial for Liam instead of a funeral, we were going to buy a tree to plant in his name too. So that meant today was going to be the first and last time I was ever going to hold my son's body. 

Victor and I had some alone time after we decided the plans of what to do with his body, we wanted some time to say goodbye. I didn't want to have Liam's body out in the open much longer since his fragile skin was starting to peal on his hands and feet, I didn't want that body to suffer any more. We both took turns holding him and telling him how much we loved him, how much he meant to us. I didn't feel pain during this time, I was reassured I was going to be able to see him again.. I just felt sad I was saying goodbye to his little body. The clock hit 10 PM and we both decided it was time to say goodbye for good, we called the nurse into the room to take Liam's lifeless body away. Before I handed over that little lifeless body, I kissed his forehead whispering I love you, Liam. Once he left the room, all peace left with him and I began to cry. My family came back into the delivery room since we were soon to be moved to the maternity ward with all the other mothers. (great, just what I needed to hear.. healthy crying babies) I was wheeled to my new room to spend the night to recover, thankfully it was quiet and I didn't hear a peek from a baby. Once I hit the bed I was exhausted all the strength left me, so I passed right out. I awoke and took a well needed shower, and ate some yummy hospital food.

Around noon I was discharged from the hospital, it was such a difficult time leaving the hospital empty with arms that ached for my sweet baby. 

I spent 5 hours with my son before I said a final goodbye, it won't make up for a life time of moments but those few hours will always be cherished. My sweet Liam is a real person who I felt, was able to heard his heart beat, and got to hold... I will always miss him. 

RIP my sweet Liam... God be with you until we meet again.

2ND PART OF VI: BIRTH

I woke up around 3:00 AM the morning I was scheduled for labor in physical pain – I was having back contractions. I just laid in bed tossing, turning, and whimpering trying to get comfortable but it wasn't happening. I shared a room with my older sister Allyson so I woke her up with my cries; she turned on some music to have me focus on something else besides the pain I was feeling. I had to be at the hospital at 5:00 AM so I thought I might as well get up and move around instead of moping in my bed. I ate breakfast and just sat around in a total daze for awhile; 1. I was extremely tired because I didn't get much sleep. 2. I was going to birth my sons' lifeless body later that day. 3. I was terrified of birth. 

I started to get my hospital bag together and Liam's things together, it was a rough morning for me.

 I did all the normal things you do to get ready, but on this day it felt like I was in jello because I was so sluggish with everything I did. I took my last belly shot before I headed to the hospital, I tried to smile in it but I just couldn't muster enough will power to do that. As my mother and I were leaving to pick up Victor on our way to the hospital, I grabbed the Build-A-Bear Victor and I made for Liam so I had something to cuddle with. It was the most somber drive I've ever been on and the gloomy weather didn't help either, it felt like I was driving to my own funeral. I was wheeled to my room in a wheel chair after we were checked into the Riverton Hospital women's ward, I was so thankful to be in that chair because I didn't want to take the steps to what felt like the end of my life. I got in the ugly open backed hospital gown and I got strapped to the monitoring machines and a nurse checked how far along I was dilated. 3 cm and 50% effaced, that was quick. Since Liam was smaller I wouldn't have to be fully dilated to give birth to him so I didn't have to wait that long, like that news lighted my mood. I was pretty shocked they didn't check his heart beat to see if there was a chance he could still be alive, it made me realize this is the real deal – he isn't alive anymore. I was more than pleased when I was able to get some IV pain medicine in me, I didn't want to feel any more contractions.
I kid you not I watched a marathon of TOO CUTE: Kittens for 5 hours while in labor, my family hated me for it. Nothing eventful happened while we waited for me to be dialed enough to give birth, I just was drugged up eating my green lime flavored ice (it was St. Patrick's Day). My mother and Victor set up the table where they'd place Liam after he was born with the blankets I got him, the Build-A-Bear, and the shirt I made him, so it could look more "homey".  While in the hospital waiting I wasn't scared or nervous because I just didn't let myself think of why I was there, what was going to happen in a couple of hours I wanted to just relax or I was just too high to feel anything. The whole time waiting to give birth was very peaceful, it was such a blessing for me.
Once I was 6 cm dialed it was time for my epidural, I wasn't scared to get it, actually I was looking forward to it. My contractions were to the point where the IV medicine wasn't numbing all of the pain so I wanted something more heavy duty and it was getting closer for me to give birth. Epidurals are a weird but marvelous thing, although having a catheter wasn't my favorite. Not even five minutes after I got the epidural in me, a gush of fluid comes rushing out... either I just peed myself or my water broke. The nurse went to fetch the doctor... it was baby time or so I thought. The doctor checked me and part of my sack was still attached, so we were going to wait until I was a little more dilated to break the rest of it. Phew, false alarm. At this point I was getting a little more nervous because I felt like I wanted to push, so the doctor was called in again to start the birthing process. 
I decided I wanted my mother to be there when I gave birth and not Victor, I needed as much support and love as I could get.
I was now 10 cm dialed so it was time to get things rolling. My family left the room, it was just my mother, the nurse, doctor and I. The bed changed into more of a delivery table, the doctor pulled down a bright light, the nurses got everything prepped for birth, and the doctor broke the rest of my sack. That's when I started to panic. Everything was going so fast I didn't know how to do this... there are breathing techniques?! I looked to my mom for reassurance and a hand to hold. I started to cry because it was really happening, I was giving birth to my precious son. I was so scared, heart broken, and mad this was all happening now. The doctor told me to push when I was feeling ready, I just wanted to get this over with so I pushed... damn did it hurt. (you have to elevate one side of your body with an epidural and

switch every now and then, my right side had less effect from the epidural so I could feel pain on that side) I started to cry even more and I would cry out how it hurt and I couldn't do this. My sweet momma held my hand and coached me through it, only a couple pushes more and Liam was born. Birthing your baby in silence is the most painful thing, it's that first cry every mother waits for and I didn't get to hear that sweet cry nor will I ever.
The doctor and nurse was getting Liam cleaned up so I didn't see him right then but my mom kept telling me how little he was. The doctor placed Liam on my chest asking me if I wanted to cut the umbilicord, I shook my head because honestly I was scared to and I didn't want to take my hands off of my son. I just cried even more as I looked at my baby, he was preciously small. Liam was then taken to be measured and to be wrapped in blankets and so I could be fully cleaned up. After what seemed like forever Liam was placed into my arms so I could cherish my first and last moments with him. My heart swelled with infinite love when I was able to finally hold and see my little boy. Oh the joy of being a mother and finally seeing the little one that was growing inside you!

To be continued....

I will wear it proudly

Modesty is a fairly common word but a less common practice, especially in this time and a day. Modesty is something I used to struggle with, I couldn’t follow all the simple guidelines that the LDS church suggested when it came to dressing modest. I was never a very immodest person but I would still wear less modest clothing, and at that time I was okay with that. I was embarrassed to dress “Mormon” and to fully look modest, I wanted to look stylish and looking “Mormon” wasn’t stylish. I didn’t care how I felt in what I was wear or how it could make others feel, only cared if it was cute. Once I allowed the Gospel back into my life I became more conscious of what I would wear to church, but I would still sometimes wear less modest clothing outside of church. I wasn’t fully ready to give up my cute pieces of clothing because I thought that since I was not sealed in the temple I didn’t have to be fully modest, I could commit myself once that happens in my life. With that being said, I am going to share a little experience on what changed my mind and views on modesty and preparing yourself now. 

I was going to be a bride so I needed to find the perfect dress to wear on my perfect day! I wanted to wear a modest dress, well mostly modest. My mother was going to make my wedding dress, so I showed her the dress I wanted her to replicate… it was modest, besides having a sheer top. It was simple yet stunning and I was extremely pleased with how it was turning out. When it came to the part of making the top half my mother asked

if I wanted it sheer or solid and I told her sheer just like the original dress. She then reminded me of my goal of getting sealed in the temple and that I should wear a fully modest dress. I shot back that I wasn’t going to be sealed for a while since my husband and I were going to have a civil marriage first, so I wouldn’t need a fully dress modest. I knew she was right but didn’t like it, so I just angrily said yes while rolling my eyes… I was going to look like a Mormon bride. I went to my room and cried angry tears because I was not going to get the perfect dress I wanted and I was going to look modest even though I was not going to have a temple wedding. As I sat and pouted a verse from I Love to See the Temple came to mind, "I will prepare myself while I am young; this is my sacred duty".  I was being blinded from the world’s view and my own justifications on modesty.

What really helped me overcome my struggle with dressing immodest was, seeing myself as a daughter of God. I want others to see that I respect my title as such, and I do that by dressing modest. As being a daughter of God I need to prepare myself now to be able to enter into His house, including dressing modest. It’s my goal to be sealed in the temple to my husband and if I want to reach that goal I need to make the necessary sacrifices to get there. Dressing modest may seem like a small part of preparing yourself to enter the temple but if you can’t follow the small things, how do you expect to follow the greater things the Lord asks us to do? After praying and fasting I came to realize being modest isn't about fashion or looking the most stylish, no it was way more than those worldly things. It outwardly shows that we understand and value our relationship with our Heavenly Father, that we respect the gift of our body he gave to us. We are keeping the holy covenants by doing so and we are showing our Heavenly Father we are wanting to be virtuous. I stopped looking at modesty in the worldly aspect because the world isn't who matters, it's our Heavenly Father who does. 

I know being modest everywhere, not only church, is hard and can be a challenge. You have to search through crop tops, skirts that have high slits in them, skimpy dresses, and hardly there shorts to only find something that is modest but isn’t your size. It very discouraging when you see others wear stylish outfits but knowing it isn’t modest, so you shouldn’t wear it. Keep in mind… “Modesty is more than a fashion statement, it’s a daily decision to dress like the child of God you are.” I know if we, daughters of God, wear our faith and show we respect our title… we will be blessed! I am no longer ashamed to look Mormon, because I am proud of my faith, and I will wear it proudly.

**The original photo at the top of the post is from Mikarose, which happens to be a website full of cute modest clothing + they have adorable accessories!** 

1ST PART OF VI: STILLBIRTH

Before I go into the part of my story about giving birth to Liam, which I want to make light and focus on the happy parts, I am going to talk about having your baby be stillborn.  

I came across a post that really helps describe stillbirth, I think this is really appropriate for this part of my story. 

“I don’t think that most people understand me when I say that my daughter was stillborn. That phrasing makes it sound passive, like it was something that just happened to me, externally. But that’s not what a stillbirth is, and I imagine that’s not what a miscarriage is either. A stillbirth isn’t something that happened to me, or my daughter, or my family. It’s something that happened inside me. That I was forced to participate in.

I keep trying to think of an analogy to explain how devastatingly non-passive enduring a stillbirth or miscarriage is, but nothing seems adequate. Perhaps it comes close to say that it’s like having cancer or another horrible, soul-draining, body-emaciating disease, only that the cancer that is within you is slowly killing someone else. Someone precious to you. And you are forced to come along for the ride, to participate in the killing.

The simple fact is – there is nothing like stillbirth. There is nothing like going to the hospital to check on your baby, only to have the incredibly sweet joy of pregnancy replaced in an instant with the dull, moaning emptiness of knowing that you are still going to have to endure labor and birth and filling breasts and the weeks of bleeding. Only your baby will be dead. Your labor pains will produce nothing but a shell of this most precious person. Your arms will be empty, and there will be no way to soothe your aching breasts.

And that doesn’t even factor in the grief, or the guilt, or the wondering of who or what in this wide world you are now that death has crept into your life, into your body, in such an insidious way.

Now ask yourself; what if you had to participate in the death of your loved one, to help bring their ending of breath into being? Then how long would it take you to heal? Stillbirth didn’t just happen to me. It doesn’t just happen to anyone. Your baby dies, and then you give birth. To your dead child. It’s not passive. You participate, even though you don’t want to. Even though it makes you want to scream and scream and scream in horror. You participate, and it keeps you up at night for weeks and months and years.

It’s been 2 months since I birthed my daughter’s dead body, and that is still what blooms large in my mind every night as I wait for sleep to descend. I don’t ask for the memories to come – they are just there. I can’t escape. I birth her again and again in my mind, hold her again and again for the first and last time, feel the lingering ache of afterbirth that prevents me forgetting even for a moment the nauseating reality of what just took place.

Stillbirth does not just happen. It’s not clean and surgical. Instead, it is messy and active, and it opens a wound whose pain throbs on long past you wish it would. And it changes you.” -Stillstandingmag.com

Giving birth to Liams' still body was the most traumatizing experience I will ever go through and I am still getting through it, because he is my son that I never got to meet. 

The proposal

Who doesn't love reading a proposal story, so here's mine: 

I knew Ariel bought my wedding ring, I just didn't know when he would pop the question... I seriously thought he wouldn't ask until months later so I wasn't excepting anything soon. 

We went to church like a normal Sunday and after church we went to Ariel's parents house to get some of his things before we went to my parents house for dinner. Before we left, Ariel said he had to grab something so go ahead to the car....I didn't think anything of it so I just waited like he asked. After dinner at my parents we wanted to go up Butterfield Canyon because that August night there was a meteor shower happening and I wanted to watch it. We drove up the winding road in Ariel's Xterra to the tip top of the canyon where we'd get the best view. We opened the trunk of his Xterra and wrapped ourselves in blankets while looking over the copper mine and mountains. There was a fire on the other side of the mountains and it made the sky and sun rusty red and it looked beautiful! (I shouldn't be saying a forest fire was pretty oh well) We just over looked the sunset while talking about the future and where we see ourselves in a year. I soaked up every bit of this beautiful night with Ariel by my side, it was perfect! As the sun was at the lowest point in the sky, Ariel pulled out a little box and asked if I'd marry him after he asked why I loved him. My jaw literally dropped open, I was completely shocked! I had no idea he was going to ask me to marry him now, I believed he was going to ask me at least at the end of the year! I totally spaced the question he asked me as I opened the box to see what was inside. At this point the sun was set so it was dark, so when I opened the box it looked empty because I couldn't see squat. I looked up at him confused and about to call him a jerk because the box was empty and there was no ring inside and I thought this was a joke.... until I put my hand inside and felt something! I just started to laugh because he was really asking me to marry him! I started to cry while I was laughing, because I was so happy. I was a complete shocked hot mess. I finally spat out a yes, after I remembered what he asked him, in between my laughs and cries. I put the ring on my finger and turned on my phone flashlight to see the ring.... IT WAS THE ONE I WANTED!!!! I could not keep my eyes off of it, it was perfect and stunning and simple just like I wanted. I kissed Ariel, probably a really wet kiss because the tears all over my face. We just sat there talking about marriage and what it'll bring us, I was still in shock that this happened.... I AM ENGAGED. After the hiccups from laughing/crying wore off we got out of the trunk to stand wrapped in a blanket to watch the meteor shower. 

I loved every moment of this night, I loved the intimacy of it being just us while he proposed to me. I loved how it wasn't a cliché proposal with him on one knee, he did it in his own way and I loved that. 

Continually confidently aligning

This year I will continually be moving forward with confidence in every aspect of my life, I see the potential I have and I plan on reaching it. I have so much optimism for these next 12 months ahead of me, I know I can do great things and great things will come! One of the biggest things I am looking forward to in this year is, strengthening my relationship with my Heavenly Father and my husband. 
Recently I let the Gospel back into my life, you can view the recap of last year which talks about that here, so I am still working on growing my testimony of the church and this year I want to be able to continue to work on that. This new change has been the greatest choice I've ever made, so I can't stop here... I have so much work to do! I want to have conviction in my voice when I speak my testimony, I want to be able to not falter when I voice my faith and beliefs.
Ariel and I have been married for 3 months to this day! (seems a lot longer than that) Marriage can be hard at times, it isn't "magical" like some people make it out to be, but I know if we keep our Heavenly Father at the center of our marriage we'll be able to have a strong & successful marriage. I am so happy to be able to start this year off with Ariel by my side, to go through trials and enjoy the happy times with him as my husband! This will be the start of our first full year together as a married couple and it'll be a good one.

I am not allowing myself to go into this year with doubt because nothing ruins success more than doubting yourself. I know I may not be able to get everything I want to do in 2014 completed because there are some factors I just can't control, but I want to be able to look back at the end of the year and feel proud of how far I came. I am not one for setting New Year resolutions because I think you should always be setting goals not just at a new year, but I have set some timely goals and I will be able to achieve them this year. (That is it's own post, so stay tuned) This year will be a year full of change and success, I can feel it.... and hopefully a sealing in the temple for Ariel and I! 

I found who I wanted to be last year, this year I will work on becoming that person.