Over Coming Hard Things

I want to talk about my struggle with drugs for you to understand that it could happen to anyone and that it is possible to over come. I am wanting to be vague on the type of drugs I took because that part isn't important, the important part is that I was able to over come such struggles. 

For me, it started with only once in awhile, which turned into a monthly occurrence, that changed to multiple times within a month, then became a weekly happening, and finally it ended up being apart of my daily routine. The thing with narcotics is, no one starts off being dependent on them; that need creeps up on you and you seem to always tell yourself "I don't have a problem, I don't need them... I can stop at anytime" and once you start justifying yourself... it's already too late.  

I've been 100% clean and sober from any mind altering substances for 16 whole months, and I have never felt more healthier mentally, physically, and emotionally. This journey to get where I am today wasn't an easy one and it has had many obstacles along the way but it was and still is so worth it. I was able to break away from the grasp of harmful substances but the reality is, I will never "get over" this eternal craving; I just learn to live with it. I was able to rebuild myself again but I can still have the urge to get that fix again and that will never go away. The thing with narcotics they take over your life, mentally and physically, and you have to battle your own body and mind to over come such a strong hold. 

I was so naive about drugs when I first started to "experiment" with them, the first drug I took I thought it was a "weed pill" when actually, it was ecstasy (MDMA). After my first encounter I didn't want to stop there, so I dove in deep. The next couple of years I was very damaging to myself because of the substances I would take, I would always tell myself I would only try something once and that'd be it but that was never the case for me. I always wanted more and I got what I wanted. My high school days lacked going to class, family events, true happiness, and true friendship but instead was filled with drugs, alcohol, fake friends, forgetting the nights before, throwing up, and sneaking around. As I look back, there was nothing glamorous about going to class so high that I had to run to the bathroom because I had throw up. It wasn't cool to be so wasted that I couldn't get home and causing my family worry because their daughter didn't show up until the next morning. I didn't have fun when I would dose off while out to dinner with the family because I was too doped up to even look alive for a conversation. It wasn't thrilling waking up not having a clue what happened the night before and wake up with your own throw up. My life was a temporary one, temporary friends with temporary happiness- something that wasn't worth living for. Also the thing with drugs, they don't only damage your life but they also damage your loved one's lives, and my loved ones where greatly affected. I was doing illegal drugs as a minor so there was a lot of lying going on and sneaking around and that caused me to be defensive and distant. I was more focused on the high than being kind or close to my family members. When I was at my lowest point I would even steal from them, money but also proscription drugs because I needed a high and a good high didn't come free or a high wasn't reachable unless proscribed by a Doctor. I caused my family heart ache and worry over a temporary high and that is not worth seeing your family suffer from your own expense. 

I lived like this for a couple of years- living a temporary life. For a short period of time I went up to stay with my grandparents so I didn't have access to some of the drugs I was taking. When I came back to the States I told myself not again, that I can't go down that path again but the cravings of that high over powered my self-control and I relapsed again... and again. I was back right where I started and I let this go on for 8 long months, living a miserable life. At the beginning of 2013 while I was away at college I just had nothing going for me, I just focused on getting high and that isn't a life to live... so I thought to myself what could it hurt trying to get help? I certainly wouldn't lose anything important, so that year I decide to get help and start living a life worth living for. 

The first months of getting clean were very hard and I again allowed myself to relapse. I was having a hard time because I still had ties to old friends who weren't supportive of me getting clean, so I cut ties. I changed my phone number, stopped following people on social media who would talk about partying and drugs, stop listening to certain music that brought back memories, I eliminated everything from my life that reminded me of my "high days". I begged and pleaded with Heavenly Father to rid me of this burden, because at time it was unbearable. I wouldn't be able to even function normally because I wasn't high, it was once apart of my daily life and not having it was hard on me. It took time to stop thinking about it daily and always wishing, I wish I was high for this. Through out all the pain and struggle, it was a battle worth fighting for. I look back on who I was and see a great improvement, I am back to being the real me.

At about 4 months in with being clean I thought I was doing well with over coming this struggle until one summer day when my family was having a BBQ, something I thought I had forgotten came back and clouded my mind. My father was making some orange chicken and some of the marinade fall on the grill causing it to have an awful smell. Right when I smelled it, that burnt mustard smell I gagged. The marinade smelt just like burning Heroin, it filled my nostrils and I felt like I was high again. I rushed inside so I could get away from the smell and I was shocked how it effected me so strongly, I was deviated. A smell still had control over me, just smelling something that smelt like Heroin made me crave it so strongly. 

Thankfully, I was finally able loosen the grasp of drugs because I put enough faith in myself and in my Heavenly Father to help guide me and to lift my burdens. I am very blessed to be able to over come such a difficult trial and I wasn't in so deep like so many of my old friends still are. I am blessed that I finally was able to gain enough will power to gather the strength to get clean for myself. I am blessed to be surrounded by such loving family members who stood by my side when I was at my lowest and who rejoiced when I succeeded. I am very blessed to be where I am today, to be who I am today.